I have already checked out my computer sites that I go to every day, my two e-mail sites, AOL and G-mail, my family site, my blog and blog list, and Facebook. My sister Ann and my son Raymond wrote on my blog, Raymond on my memoirs and Ann on my Talking to the Spirits entry. Sister Ann wrote that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to the spirits, so I wrote a response reminding her that she was not keeping major secrets as I was all during childhood which I could not talk about to anyone for fear they became common knowledge. For reasons of keeping the stress level at a tolerable level.
I would say that some people in the family may become the victims of crimes that literally put them in harm's way. They may survive but with one foot in the other world. I started to suffer a breakdown of my health before I was even into my teens due to all the stress. Two near death experiences before I reached the age of twenty left me fragile with my stamina compromised enough that normal working life was going to be beyond my reach for very long at a time. I did want to live, but in order to do so I had to accept the assistance of quite a few spirits to keep me here. I understood that they would intervene and talk to me whenever I got too stressed and could not find anybody else to talk to who would be able to handle my problems.
Talking as therapy has kind of gone out of fashion with the embrace of the supposedly all powerful 'meds' designed to keep mentally ill people from killing other people and themselves if they will just take them. I was physically ill so I suppose that covers mentally ill too since I needed the help of the 'spirits' to survive. I kept this a secret from any doctors I saw as much as possible, how dependent I was on 'spirit dialogues.' I literally could not even function unless I wrote these dialogues almost every day. I received advice, company, and understanding from these contacts. I would only have been punished as I saw it had I revealed this dependence and would never have gotten them to focus on the physical weakness that would send me to doctors for support when I simply could not do anything. I had to have medical excuses when I was too weak to work, so I had to keep going to doctors in order to get help for me and my children. Doctor's excuses are necessary to get medical help, housing, and food when you are in that condition.
I would wonder each time if I was going to come back from a very bad bout of chronic fatigue. I would go to psychiatrists if my treatment called for it. Some medical doctors became convinced my chronic fatigue was all in my head. The psychiatrists would be somewhat baffled by what was wrong with me, especially when I did not tell them anything about the dialogues with the spirits. What was the point if there was a chance they would react in a way I did not want them to do. I needed to stay out of mental hospitals so as to take care of my children. After spending a total of 6 weeks in mental wards I did not see that I would benefit from any more stays in there, since electric shock was generally the treatment of choice. I definitely knew by then that a person with a bad flare up of chronic fatigue better not have electric shock therapy. Even the threat of it had almost been fatal when I was nineteen and there was no reason for me to think it wouldn't be fatal if I was so foolish as to get myself in a situation where it was prescribed.
So I did not go near psychiatrists for years. Besides talk therapy is very expensive. You could pay a fortune and still not get very good talk therapy at all. I had no money, not being able to work very hard, to pay for talk therapy. So getting enough people to talk to about my problems was extremely difficult.
Family problems did not go away in adulthood that had so plagued me as a child, but I was able to manage them better in adulthood. I could insist on distance. I could avoid family members and other people who upset me and so on.
Some people turn to a church for sustenance and emotional support, but I did not because of the nature of some of my problems. I tended to get more upset when I talked about them in church than if I had kept my mouth shut. There were some problems I concluded after a while that the church could not handle.
Fortunately I concluded that there were other people who had expanded their connection to the spirits probably for a lot of the same reasons that I did, to get help that was not available to them on earth. Mediums would actually connect to 'guides' who would help them with this sort of communication. This looked like a good fit for me since I had inherited some psychic gifts. I thought I had actually inherited some ability to receive messages about future events from spirit contacts. These often came in my dreams although I would also get 'feelings' I could identify as connected to some event that was going to happen that would impact my life as well as possibly kill someone else. If people around me were in trouble, I could pick up this disturbance, so I had been equipped with abilities that would help me handle my disability if I was not afraid to use them. I had to trust my 'contacts' and by trial and error learn how to use the spirits just as many might think of using the help of therapists.
In fact my spirit contacts talk about 'therapy' as something everyone needs to adjust to passing from this realm to another. Some might have to be hospitalized for months while others are able to adapt faster. I first got an inkling of this when my Grandmother King came to me in a dream when I was in my early twenties and said she had to spend four or five months in what was very like a mental hospital here after she passed to that realm. I was very curious and asked her why she had to spend such a long time in a 'hospital setting.' She said, "Because I could not understand what happened to my sons." She was referring of course to the tragic deaths of two of them before she even passed. Another died a couple of years after she did, and my father experienced constant crisis up until he was past forty years old. I was always terrified he was going to die relatively young, too.
I felt my Grandmother King around a lot very concerned about my survival as well. I fully got the message that not one of my family over there wanted me to die young. Nor did my creator. So in order for me to live, they were willing to do the unorthodox. My Grandmother King stuck close to me for quite a long time. She had always been there for me since I was a little girl. I could always go to Grandma's house for comfort. She would welcome me and I would go home sustained and feeling better.
So she would come into my ken strong enough as a spirit that I could feel her. Once I asked her to manifest her presence and sometime within the next few days I somehow or another felt her arm. I was petrified and said, "No, Grandma, that is enough." So then she withdrew to a distance and gradually others came to spell her off. I thought she needed to do other work, too.
So she was one of my angels. Now I feel she is still presiding over her family as a respected and well loved matriarch who was willing to learn about what was so affecting her sons. Each member of her family I have felt her ready to welcome 'home' so they would feel that heaven was close and all was well. I felt she welcomed my father home after he had managed to survive until he was sixty four, not without some difficulty. He always loved his mother. He knew she loved him. Grandmother was never judgmental to those she loved. She never ever reproached me about anything. Or criticized me as my mother was wont to do.
My mother had a hard time accepting the role of mother. So she was glad to have Grandmother there to spell her off. Grandmother never spanked us. Nor did she ever criticize our mother to us. She knew that would upset us, too, as our mother had to raise us, no matter her flaws. Mother had to put up with my dad and his drinking. That was hard. He came with a lot of problems. So Grandma supported Mother, and her daughters who might have criticized Mother even more, backed off because their mother did.
Nobody ever loved me in childhood like my Grandmother King did. Well, and I thought Grandpa King did love me, too. Didn't he always provide me with my beloved horses every time I asked him for one? When I was on a horse I always felt happy, and I am sure he felt that way about horses, too. Grandpa had a short fuse like Mother did. He scolded me once, very severely. I understood that he had lost his temper. Daddy would on rare occasions lose his temper badly with us, too, but he was more restrained than Mother was, but Mother did not drink alcohol.
Daddy's relationship with Mother got uglier as the years went by, for a lot of reasons. So that was very painful to the family, a source of constant upset. Things never got a whole lot easier with them, even after their divorce. Daddy did not live long and our relationship with Mother in old age was tumultuous.
So I think about my family in heaven on Sunday. There is a homecoming in heaven as Grandma greets another of her grand daughters who just passed, Louise. I am sure she treated everyone of her grandchildren with love just as she did me. She will make her feel she has gone to a 'heavenly' home. Grandma King knew how to do that. If Daddy had not had a mother like her, I am sure he would have been a far worse outlaw. Grandma King was probably a great spirit who was given outlaw sons to challenge her. She did not have an easy time with them. I am sure they are all still struggling to be as good a sons as she wanted them to be.
She was my inspiration as a mother, as I, too, got three wild sons to raise, some given to drink like her sons were. Who have proved to be a challenge to influence to this very day. And that is what I think about on a Sunday morning.
I am sure that lilacs grew among my Grandmother King's flowers as in the header by Connie. Grandmother King as a younger woman in this photo.
3 comments:
Very sweet piece on the love and support that Grandma King gave to you. It is interesting to look at those people who helped get us through the difficult times. I had that benefit of really wonderful grandparents. They loved me unconditionally and were very responsible for my belief in myself because they always believed in me. Now I hope I can be that kind of Grandma as well.
Nice entry Gerry. I'm glad you had your Grandmother KIng in your life to help give you direction. One of my Grandmothers died when I was a baby and I don't remember spending much time with the other. I do remember her for not making me eat my green peas. lol
When Grandma King was so very ill and was going to Escalante, she had Linda and I come by her bed. She told us that she would always be there if we needed her, even from Heaven. She didn't actually say she was dying, but I knew that was what she meant. After she died, I did feel her close enough to touch. I always held close that dear advice.
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