Friday, July 31, 2009

Doc called all night and I went out to watch the pigeons this morning

I did not answer the phone. He has had to learn over and over that calling in the middle of the night is not appropriate. If his life is in danger 911 is who he should call. I have been spending time just watching the pigeons out in the patio. Everyone takes an interest in them, and pour water so the thirsty ones can survive in this hot weather with the pool down. Every being is just trying to survive!
So I hope I have gotten though stage 1 of the severing of a tie, the calls. My rough and tough neighbors served me well as Doc did not dare come and start knocking loudly on my door. He does not want to tangle with them.
My daughter said she did not know how I stood Doc up to now, but every child whose primary parent was an alcoholic could probably tell you why. You learn to analyze this parent on whom you are dependent for life for his weaknesses and strengths. I am very sure my dad would not have survived his massive problems had he not had 5 daughters all dependent on him and determined he should survive so they could. Which means that as an adult if you run into an alcoholic with similar strengths and weaknesses you will be drawn to them. Doc for example married several women who were having a great deal of trouble as single mothers alone with their children. So he would become a father figure even though I am pretty certain he was drinking every day even then. But the wives were grateful for his help when they had none. He was able to make quite a difference despite his weaknesses. He obviously had an eye out for single mothers in over their heads with problems with their kids.
He would however get tired of it all and as he is doing now used his drinking behavior to exit a situation that no longer inspired him.
Now is the time to make him live with the full effects of his alcoholism alone, since I now have acute alcoholic poisoning and can no longer tolerate him. He is not doing so well either, but it is do or die now for him!
And my job is to maintain a break. I have done all my plays. His alcoholism has prevented him from becoming a creative partner to the end of our lives. He cannot think well enough to carry the load of a partner. Drink drink drink all day long is not the way to do it.
When he wakes up, he will probably call, and then and only then will I answer the phone. I don't think that will be the time to go to his apartment and I will try to keep him from coming to mine. I will just try to get him to accept the fact that it is over. If I have to I will tell him I contemplated moving just to be sure this daunting task got done. So we have to figure out a way to do it here. He might leave himself, but I doubt it since he has nothing in St. Louis to go back to. In the meantime back to watching the pigeons!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Spoilers

Spoiling things for others is usually part of an addiction. If say your addiction keeps you from being able to love than you spoil love for others as much as you can so you won't feel like you are missing out. And spoiling is easier. Doesn't take as much thought or physical powess which you might not have. It is just a matter of plotting and scheming somewhat unconsciously.
My relationship with Doc has always involved sparring with him to try to keep him from spoiling things for me at the same time taking advantage of the considerable talent he has to accomplish some of the things I still hadn't been able to do. I didn't have a whole lot of time left in my late seventies. I needed an actor to do my plays. I have always needed actors but they are hard to come by.
Basically he had done a lot of acting with me. And during the course of those projects we have come to know each other very well, but in all that time we have not even come close to love. When it comes to love and passion Doc is an actor. He will act the role, but he does not want to be bothered doing it. He is too busy drinking. He does not want to be in love. He does not want to live as you have to live if you are going to have a physical relationship. I would say he retired from the fields of love maybe 10 to 15 years ago. It is hard to tell.
But if he gets jealous he just can't keep from implying friendship which is a lot less demanding is really love. Which is a farce.
He reminds me of a ten year old in the gestures he makes to express interest in passion. No more serious than a ten year old could be. Alcohol has diminished him to a child-like state, but he does not care.
However he has gravitated too far into being the spoiler for me to be associating with him as much as I have been doing. He is too treacherous. But still owning equipment with him and using his big new computer I needed some contact with him. I have decided what I have to do is not share meals with him, because that gets too far into the couple thing. I mean we don't eat the same things. I have just gotten into the habit of eating breakfast in his apartment which habit I have tried to terminate several times before because it always causes trouble.
People just would not believe from all the videos we have made, long and short, and all the laughing that has entailed, that we are not a couple, but look at all these dancers, say on Dancing with the Stars. That is the biggest example I can think of of people who are performing something intimate like dancing and yet may be married to other people! Show business people have to do this all the time. Everytime they take a new part they might be thrown into some kind of what looks like real intimacy with a person they sometimes hardly even know but who is the dancer or actor cast in the part 'opposite them.' Their real life love might not even be an actor or dancer. And all that laughing is just part of saying the lines and getting the humor right as much as possible. Doc cannot be induced to rehearse due to his alcoholism so he is a limited actor in that way, too.
And you cannot trust an alcoholic not to be treacherous. That is what alcohol does to a person, so he is going to be mean and difficult when he gets jealous. That is a given. He is not going to be fair or nice. So I have had to deal with that.
He is the one who is always tempted to suggest that what contact we have is a couple thing. He encourages people to think we are a couple no matter how loudly I proclaim we are not. I am not going to lie to people about this. But he will. He does not want to admit how limited his relationships have to be due to alcohol.
As for the blogging world he is my actor partner, like Regis say is a partner to his female TV players. Of course, if it seems more advantageous to him, he will suddenly act like he is not a couple. Then the other person, he thinks, the female in question he may be trying to impress, will be more amenable to his charms. He just does not bother to pursue other females very often. It interferes with his serious drinking. But once in a while it happens.
Oh what a mix up that can be! Which is basically what happened to cause this latest parting of the ways. He got bored in the evening and instead of going to bed drunk as he usually does around 7 pm, he decided to go visit a female who had been wanting him to make a DVD with her as the subject. He took the camera and tripod and they proceeded to make a DVD until long after midnight. Part of it took place in his apartment where they came to film what he calls a trailer, usually big long drawn own commentary on what has already gone on. I see these trailers as unncecessary but he can't be talked out of them.
There was a little bit of conversation about me, very little. She said I would be mad. I think he referred to me as old. Then he was flirting quite a bit in his ten year old fashion since he was so drunk I thought he seemed on the verge of passing out.
And I sat and thought about how careful I have been required to be while even talking to other men so he would not go into one of this jealous nasty fits. And here he was merrily making a movie for hours with this woman at least ten years younger than himself, quite good looking, and rather flirtatious. And he also forced me to watch this 'movie' all the way through and high pressured me to respond like it was a real accomplishment. As drunk as he was and tried to get her, that would have been about impossible.
Here he has been requiring that I not talk to other men for months, except only in the most limited fashion, and now he is expecting me to be very tolerant of his spree in the other direction. I just could not do it and still have breakfast with him.
I can do it just fine now I have moved all my breakfast things home. His movie no longer bothers me at all. I now feel a greater freedom to talk to other men. He is the one who broke the code, he wanted more freedom. Well, so do I. I was just being polite to him because we have so often made videos in the morning when we got together. Having breakfast with him seemed like part of the pay I was able to extend to him. But that is all it was or ever was going to be.
Doc has so far to go to sober up and be a serious contender I cannot imagine us even together if he did try. I have seen him too much the other way, and powerless. And content to be powerless.
He has got an exaggerated sense of value of the intellect. Intellect without sobriety is not all that powerful, but he has been able to use his once powerful intellect drunk to get by. I don't know why he would elect to make this a way of life. Why does any alcoholic fall into such traps?
I don't think I could fall in love with him if he did sober up, I have been too aggravated with him. I think that is why he is sulking. Other men have been smart enough to stay sober and have gotten way ahead of him in giving women what they want. Not even he could make up for all the years he has down right wasted. No matter how many tricks he pulls he cannot be my love. He can't drink and have both. And drink and drink and drink.
He called up and apologized today saying he finally realized how fragile I was! Fragile I am!! I said no, Doc, the problem is alcohol. Drink after drink after drink. Four years I have watched him drink. Well, he's had some of my time. He is going to have to be content with that. My heart has nothing more to give to him.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Violation of couple relationship


I am getting ready to go and remove all my belongings once again from Doc's apartment and terminate our couple relationship which I feel he has violated beyond repair with his alcoholic decisions. I considered moving out of the building for a while, but since I am unable to do that in a hurry, the important thing I need to do is distance myself from him. If I can do that, then I might not feel it is necessary to go to that lengths. It is very hard to break up a relationship while living in the same place, but it is even harder to move at my age.
I woke up and decided I did not really want to move and probably won't be so bothered by my new neighbors and their behaviors, if I do something about Doc. I don't have a relationship with them so we are about as distant as it is possible to be while living on the same floor in the same building and I intend to keep it that way.
It is hard to explain what Doc did as he did not see much wrong with it, but I am going by how he made me feel. So I need to get busy. I will add to this entry after I have returned home.

I returned home with my belongings mostly breakfast things and said nary a word to Doc as I said all that yesterday. I bought some coffee from the Circle K, but I intend to start drinking tea. I like to make a cup of that in the mornings. I am feeling somewhat better now that is done.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Talking to cure obesity

Using people power to combat obesity in America


Jack

LaRae and Mother, both in the spirit. Grandparents House of Spirits


I go out and sit in the patio every day partly to see the progress being made on our swimming pool renovation. Today they were putting back the iron fence. I mourned the big palm tree they had to take out to make room for the filtering apparatus. It had been there many years, but the pool was constantly having to be closed because of problems with it, and the manager says this renovation is to fix the filtering problems so that won't happen! Oh joy! For this is a wonderful big pool that never gets too warm because it is somewhat shaded and it is so large. People are taking such a interest in the renovation, hopefully they will all go and jump in when it is done. At least some of the new people. It has been hard to get people in the habit of using this pool, especially in heat like we have had this summer.
But mostly I go out to the patio to see if I can connect to people. When I think of what I most need to combat my own obesity and food addiction, it is people power! This summer has been quite interesting. Jack, the guy who had the alcoholic meltdown a couple of months ago and nearly died has been going out there and talking to people. I see that he has been able to draw out the manager's husband and get him to laughing and joking with some of the other residents. I have often thought when I saw him isolated and alone, reading a book, it was too bad that he could not find people to talk to as he lives here in the manager's apartment that was renovated especially for them. I knew I was not the one to draw him out. He is always wary of friendly female residents as that can be iffy for a manager's husband. We have had female residents in here who were down right dangerous to talk to for fear of how they would interpret it.
A lot of people relate to Jack which is why it seemed so tragic when he was about to kill himself. He seems to be on a mission now to talk to people to combat his addiction. I certainly think he is on the right track. I was not able to talk to him yesterday as I found that I was still recovering from the strange thing that happened to me some days ago in which I tapped into a feeling of pain I had many years ago connected to a hostile man who was stalking me to do me harm. I found out the next day that this pain was connected to my brother-in-law who has been hostile to me for many years. I annoyed him greatly by calling up my sister to tell her about this strange happening and see if she could help me figure it out to the point he threatened to get on the phone when I called and tell me never to call there again! It is obvious he is not using people power, and I ended up concluding that this was some sort of strange premonition of danger pssibly for him who is flooding his system too often with hostility. I have always worried about my sister being able to survive this hostility, with such a serious health problem as no pancreas, but she has proved to be tough and resilent and has survived until her seventies. And that's in clover.
However she has received quite an astounding sign connected to my sister LaRae who passed away. At the festival she went to what used to be my Grandfather King's ranch with other relatives for a tour and talk on ranching. A big picture of the old King ranch house was on display that my sister LaRae painted. Most of us sisters think of the old ranch house, which was torn down, as the 'house of spirits.' We have often had dreams of the spirits inhabiting that house. My sister Ann took a photo of this picture, and when she brought it up on her computer there was a great big ball of light above the house! Some of the shafts of light were shining down on the flowers too! Shock! I have never seen a photo like it, well just once, which happened when my sister LaRae had been told her cancer was terminal. We all met and had a conference in Utah in a house she and my mother had just bought called the Turret House. Someone took a photo of her sitting on the steps with one of the other sisters or a daughter, and when it came up in the computer shafts of light were coming from every window of that house! This photo gave my sister LaRae comfort who lived nearly 3 more years before she passed. She felt the spirits were with her as manifested by the light from the windows where we had been talking so intensely and so sadly. I hope my sister Ann will post the photo and say what it means to her.
But she wonders if it is also a premonition, a sign of change, so I am listing both of these signs so we can see what happens.
See, aren't people interesting? Jack is extremely psychic which was why I was probably able to tell him about this strange happening at the time that held my mind in such a painful grip I could not shake it off. I think my brother-in-law with his habit of being too hostile is probably in the most danger of the three of us, he, I, and my sister Ann, his wife. This hostility has to be very hard on his health. Too corrosive.
I can shut off my telephone contact to their house which I hastened to do as I have the family site with which I can communicate to my sister, and e-mails, and now she is blogging. But he is turning contact away instead of embracing it.
As Doc is doing with his excessive use of alcohol. Jack is now sober and as far as I can see is staying that way, so his intensity has picked back up. He is sure to come up with some remarkable insights and communications. Now if he can just quit smoking! I fear lung cancer and such. Smoking raises havoc with the heart and lungs and carries so many people off prematurely. It doesn't seem to do such a number on the brain cells as alcohol, but it is a health hazard.
By the way my sister Ann did not look at her photo until after I had posted the entry I wrote about the sisters and as Ann said, 'conjured up LaRae's spirit' as well as Mother's. The picture LaRae painted looks as though this photo of the old ranch house I have posted served as a model.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Catching up with sisters

I found out today that my sister Linda has an appointment Friday, July 31, to hear the read on her MRI taken last Friday. So I will be eager to find out how that goes, as she continues to struggle with a hurting neck and numb hands. Her daughter Carissa, husband and family have returned from an extended vacation trip, including one to Sicily where ancestors on the dad's side came from. Carissa kept her maiden name Bongiorno, so she must have been greeted with great friendliness while there. That means good morning I was told. Linda's son is named Gaetano Bongiorno which I have always thought was a beautiful name. It was his grandfather's. The family always called him Tano, but he eventually became Tom to everyone else. I guess Tano was just too exotic for some!
Sister Ann has just posted a poem complete with pasture photos about cows getting into the mountain pasture in her blog Kanyonland King on my blog list. Quite a few of the King family descendents bought part of King's pasture, so when somebody says somebody's cows have crashed the pasture fence, quite a few respond with appropriate alarm. So far all her entries have been in poetry. Now that tops me and shows she is the greater poet of the two of us, but Linda probably tops us all as she has been steadily writing poems and putting out poem books for years. And always has a notable new poem for her blog Vooman's Voice.
Now to a surprise, sister Margie whose blog Marge I have just added to my blog list has posted her second entry. She has had a lot of medical problems delayng her blogging, but she has led a life of drama in her nurse's career, so once she gets going she should have a blog worth a look see.
I will ask my sister LaRae what she is doing, as I don't want to miss her, even though she has passed to another realm some 20 years ago.

LARAE: I was afraid you were going to leave me out. After all I went to the Boulder Heritage Music Festival, too, where my daughter Cheryl did me proud. I have never seen such a display of expertise with her workshops and work on the ranching book. I sat around with the sisters, too. Cousin RaVoe went with me as she wanted to see how her sister Roma did on her first trip back to Boulder for many many years.
GERRY: LaRae, I hope you are doing something about the women in the King families great reluctance to look at reality and what the men had to contend with from old to young in the homesteading and pioneering life in Boulder.
LARAE: Yes, we are holding workshops on the situation. First of all the ladies have to come over here and see for themselves that the Mormon heaven they visualized just does not exist. Someone is always asking for directions to Mormon Heaven, so many that there is a designated green pasture we send them to, but they come back wanting an explanation for a green pasture that is empty! Then I say that is Mormon Heaven! So then they settle down and try to figure out just what we are supposed to be learning here, which as far as I am concerned is what that life was all about, and what we missed, and what we messed up and what can we do about it?
GERRY: That sounds to me like you are headed in the right direction, sister LaRae.
LARAE: I assure you that when you arrive here and have recovered enough, you will be booked as a guest speaker to a Boulder Heritage Festival for the spirits, which is scheduled to follow the one on earth, so we can discuss what happened. We are looking forward to the play about dying the next festival will feature, Happy Hello, Sad Goodbye, both here and there.

MOTHER: Since I am in the photo, bigger than anybody, I wonder if I might be allowed to say a word? I get the feeling my daughters have all muzzled me. I don't know if I will ever be allowed to say anything again, even though I held my own, writing three books of family history.
GERRY: Oh, hi, Mother. I hope you are enjoying yourself. I am sure we will get around to you in time. Your books of history are still prominent on our shelves, so now we must get busy and get ours done. I am off to buy a cartridge for my printer. I remember you slaving away on your last book of history when you were 78. It was printed when you were 80.
MOTHER: Yes, I shocked everyone with the family secrets I told without realizing it. I have not caught up with them yet. I knew not what I was saying. I was far too ignorant for my own good. Or so daughter LaRae tells me.

Thank you, Connie, for the border you put around this notable photo. It was taken to my son Raymond's wedding in Phoenix, I believe.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Farmers Market Shoppers led by Mr. Disgruntled








You can see Mr. Disgruntled standing in line. I got in line in the back but he spotted me and commanded me to come stand beside him, so he had someone to complain to, but he came home satisfied with a nice fresh watermelon and even carried my large sack of produce home including pinto beans, cabbage, tomatoes, corn on the cob, onions and cucumbers. I then went and bought granola, tabouli and a couple of tamales. Umm, good! I spotted this fabulous orange hat on a young lady and took a photo. I want one! Belinda's Pickles are featured. Typical Farmer's Market booth. Another gal and her big boxer complete my photo array today. As you can see it was kind of overcast and muggy, so we did not get too hot! Don't you love a farmer's market?

Post script: I talked to all three sons the yesterday. Dan and Raymond both talked and wished me a happy birthday. I also asked about Baby. She is becomng a good dog. Dan is thinking about heading back to Phoenix this coming month to his job. It dies off in the summer but he hopes it will be reviving soon. Gary had just got off work after a long week, but assured me he was okay and would be seeing his doctor next month. He survived his long trip to N.M. and Utah he thought pretty well. I also got a call from my sister Margie in Phoenix yesterday, too, wishing me a Happy B. We chatted for quite a while. I received a book in the mail from sister Ann, so I am well set up for entertainment. I am taking sister Margie's gift to buy a cartridge for my printer so I can start turning out books like my Utah sisters do!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Still celebrating my birthday while waiting for sons to call


I did go to the the Japanese restaurant and had the most divine lunch, called the Black Dragon with tofu and a mixture of crunchy veggies, covered with a black bean sauce and rice. Doc declined to go, but paid for mine. I made the mistake of ordering green tea withut checking the price, and ended up paying $6 for it, so what with the tip that pretty much took care of the $20 Doc gave me. Now having celebrated my birthday to my heart's content I am ready to move on. Oh, I am still waiting for calls from my 3 sons. Raymond and Dan promised to call last night, and I sat up and waited until 4am and they never called. I usually go to sleep and forget about it, but not last night. For some reason I was sleepless. I hope they read this, but I am sure they have a good excuse. So I might forgive them.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Ronda and Grandsons to bring lunch on my birthday today


I will report back after their visit. Ronda is going to stop to a cafe called "Mediterranean" and get some vegetarian food for me, and then on to a Japanese Teriyaki place for her, Jason, and Ethan. Middle East cafes have the best hummus you can buy in a restaurant.
I see on my blog list that my son Raymond has finally found the time to report on the Boulder Heritage Festival in his blog Cowboys and Bohemians. He reported he went to Deer Creek with his dear little dog Baby to cool off in the creek.
later: I was just thinking that Raymond would call just when Ronda arrived, and sure enough she had just walked in the door with Jamal and Ethan when he called coming back from Escalante. So he hung up and said he would call later on this evening. The company that came for the festival must have just gone home.
In the meantime, Ronda came to continue her good works. She bought new shower curtain and liner which she and Jamal put up, as well as a new soft toilet top which she and Jamal also replaced the old one with. She also gave me a complete new set of bathroom mats which will go well with the curtain, and she wanted to talk about new recliners. I said, well there is Xmas coming up! She and Jamal thought that was funny. But she said she and Chad would look for recliner sales. Both of my recliners are rather decrepit looking, so she feels it is past time for replacement!
We had a very nice lunch. The grape leaf rolls were especiall good and the spinach tart. That's isn't the name of it, but I have forgotten what it is.
Oh by the way, thanks, Connie, for the birthday header. Red cardinals are my favorite wild birds. When I was living to my dad's place out on Bell Road I even used to see wild ones occasionally in his trees, and they are so beautiful when you see them wild. Such a striking bird. Red cardinals are naturally my favorite sports logo, too, and now that the Arizona Cardinals have done so well in football, we are all happy with Cardinals. I hate rattlesnakes, so I was not too happy when the baseball team became the diamondbacks!
I am looking forward to more of my birthday! I will let you know what Raymond says if he calls and anything else that happens on my birthday. We're still in a dreadful heat wave, so I won't be going out hardly at all. That is the only bad thing about a birthday in Phoenix in July!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Heat wave continues and I have less tolerance

Doc and I had to go to the grocery store this morning as we were all out of food, so we decided to go at 7am. The bus drove off just as we were coming out of the store, so we had to sit a half an hour on a bus stop facing the sun. I have been obliterated ever since we got home. I told Doc we should have gone at 6am as we once planned. On top of that I had to pay $3 to ride the bus whereas last month I only paid $1.25. They're charging $2.60 if you buy the bus pass on the bus rather than at the station or somewhere. I didn't have change as I planned to put in $2 for the $1.85 I thought I would be paying. The flyer said that the reason they were charging so much is because people were holding up the bus buying their tickets! I started to complain to Doc again and he told me to shut up he did not like to talk on the bus.
I thought to myself next time I won't go with him, but will instead borrow his bus pass and go alone. He and I neither one go to the store often enough to use up a bus pass, but he likes a bus pass. I would not be surprised if that little bus driver recognized me if I tried to use his pass and refused to let me ride on the suspicion I am using his bus pass! She has already carded me to make sure I am a senior citizen!
It is no wonder I have been unable to do anything all day except sleep. That is the way the heat seems to be affecting me this year.
Doc is afraid since I have asked him to look at Baby, the dog, twice, that I have given up on any grandchildren from Raymond and am acting like the grandmother of a dog. He said tell him I am worried about his Mom.
We then watched Dexter, a cable series he discovered on his cable, which is about a serial killer. I hope none of you ever see it. I never get anything remotely resembling that kind of series on my TV since it has been sanitized for the general public. What they're showing on cable TV now days is unbelievable. I told him I would watch Weeds but Dexter is so beyond Weeds I can't even describe it. It is no wonder I had never heard of it even though it has only been on 3 seasons. Probably no one is ever going to admit they ever watched it, but I can tell you it might encourage serial killing. He and I have watched a lot of True Crime which is always about a true case and is serious business. This is why I never read crime fiction. I figure the author has to be held responsible for those killings since he or she makes them up. But it is a series that makes you laugh even, and Doc is so decadent he is not aghast at such a thing. Nurse Jackie does not behave too well either, but she is busy saving people not killing them! But Dexter only kills killers who are serial killers themselves killing innocent people. That sort of thing.
I just saw a whole series of photographs taken at the Festival on the family. I saw photos of all my sons and the babies, nieces, sisters, so that was nice. I have still not heard from any of my sons, but they are probably still doing clean-up.
Connie, I am going to post the header I liked the best you sent me for my birthday tomorrow! Daughter Ronda is coming to take me to lunch, but if she calls and begs off because of this awful heat, I will gladly tell her she can wait. She only lives 40 miles away!
On a sad note I found out the family that went hiking on one of these 114 degree days was from Alaska. Their 14 year old son was probably not well hydrated when he started off, and then they ran out of water. To think ignorance about this heat caused a tragedy in the family. I have never felt the effects of it so much, but it has been hotter than usual.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Power outage in 110 degrees; first monsoon storm on the way; and Baby

We had a dangerous power outage last night in Gila Bend not far from here. 100 mile an hour winds snapped many power poles. They don't expect to restore power to 2 or 3 thousand people until tomorrow morning! Oh, I would hate to be an old lady in that town. I went for my meds this morning in about 113 degrees and had to give up walking to the grocery story a half of a block away and come home. I am just praying the big monsoon storm headed our way from Flagstaff won't knock out our power!
By the way Walgreens is installing a new system for meds and they told me Saturday that I could get one prescription there and would have to pick up the other four in a Walgreens on Orange Blossom Road! I said I don't even know where that is, I never heard of it! I have to collect all my meds to one pharmacy because it is too HOT to go to more. When I picked up my meds I found out Orange Blossom Road was in Florida!! I said what do I tell them next time? The gal waiting on me said, "Tell them, and you idiots, don't tell me to go clear to Florida to pick up my meds." It seems they have a new central system that takes care of the faxing! I said I thought I spoke to a real person, but he sounded so unsure of himself I about said, "Do you know what you are doing?"
Sadly, a family of 5 probably from out of town ran out of water hiking on South Mountain and one 14 year old died. Every year it happens when the extreme heat hits. You can get deydrated so fast it is not even funny, and soon you can be in big trouble. People have died of heat prostration a mile out in the desert.

My sister Margie wrote her report of the festival on the family site and said my son Gary was THE ROCK STAR ARRIVING. I guess his cousins had heard about his heart attack, and some he had not seen in years greeted him with affection. I think he was dragging an outfit he had to take to New Mexico on the way.
I have not heard from any of my sons, so they are probably still working and recovering. Raymand and Dan would have had to take all the saddles back gathered for the saddle show, plus tear down all the equipment used for broadcasting the music. It is a good thing Dan's regular job the past year has been setting equipment up for shows. He asked people to take photos of him working, so he could show his boss!
One of the family even posted a photo of Raymond's dog. I will try to snare one and put it on here. Baby is very cute.
My sister Margie said the men were very interested in the ranching book which traces the history of each property through new owners. Naturally the men were drawn to this project. And they were pointing out mistakes to be corrected before the book goes to a final printing. Margie said it was the biggest festival ever!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Report from Boulder Festival

My sister Ann reported that my son Gary swung over to Boulder from New Mexico, saying it was a long ways, so I will be nervous about him as he had to come back home today because his company is starting a big job on Tuesday and he has to get ready for it. But at least he made it up there which must have pleased his brother Raymond (Dan is his half brother and does not know him very well since Gary was 21 and had married and left home when Dan was born) It was enjoyable to see photos and read a report of the various activities.
I have been busy writing on my newspaper blog G4Life in which I address more issues than I do in this one. Sometimes I copy the entry or vica versa but not always. I post as many entries on issues in this blog as I think readers might tolerate. I am a newspaper kind of person and am always writing letters to the opinion page which I did this morning on an issue relating to this complex. You can access my G4Life blog on the upper right hand corner of the AZ Central News on my blog list.
I think the blogspot world features more blogs from people suffering from debilitating diseases like MS, so I would not always take the same approach with them as I would with newspaper blog readers used to Arizona issues often debated in the news. For example the subject of my blog entry today on G4Life was mental illness. In Arizona we have had what seems to me like an astronomical number of murders by mentally ill family members, mostly of other family members after years of struggle. Nationwide we have also had these kind of murders, but we had one here not long ago that was especially affecting. A mother let her mentally ill son in his 30's come in the backyard to stay because the father said she felt sorry for him. He had banned him from his home. Some days after he camped out in his mother's backyard, he attacked her and his 14 year old nephew with a shovel and killed them both. Police were able to track him down and pick him up after he left and hid out. The sight of the mother of the slain boy sobbing on the TV cameras over what her brother had done, saying she had never imagined his mental problems would result in this was enough to give strangers nightmares.
Montini, a Republic columnist for many years, had printed the gist of another mother of a mentally ill son castigating the 'system' for not having better treatment available for her mentally ill son who she said she could not keep at home because he threatened her especially. I was writing to say that I don't think any health system in the world could take care of all the problems the mentally ill generate, especially after a violent element develops in their personalities and they become potentially very dangerous.
I know my uncle chased six of us little kids with a butcher knife which caused the adults to decide he could never be kept at home again where he could wander. His illness had manifested violence to the point that he had to be watched and under guard. From what I understand my grandfather contributed to his upkeep in a mental hospital more or less for the remainder of his life.
Nobody but the extremely dangerous mentally ill are going to be locked up and guarded. All the others, like those in prison, will eventually get out, and it will be up to society and family to protect themselves from the dangers they pose. I said in my entry that I thought responsibility for their own behavior should be placed on the mentally ill over and over, for if they offend, they will suffer from it. I remember my uncle crying when the Sheriff came to get him, "I will be good! I won't do it again." I thought at 8 years old, he had to pay a high price for chasing kids with a butcher knife, but what other alternative was there for the frightened adults when they found out what happened. As for me I never ran so fast in my life, terrified I would hear a scream from one of the other children not as old as I. I blamed myself for his outburst as I thought I led the other children too close to where he was talking to himself, and I found out later his oldest daughter he also chased blamed herself for his incarceration, for years, because she 'told.'

Friday, July 17, 2009

Ronda comes to scrub!


Ronda, pictured above in one of the most delightful photos I ever took of her, came to my house yesterday bringing lunch I thought, but as soon as she got here she got out her tools and went to work, scrubbing my bathroom down as it has not been scrubbed in years. She bought a new towel set and part of a bathroom floor set, but we decided my hot pink set I bought to the thrift store was not ready for discard yet. I sat and chatted with Ethan, delighted beyond measure with such an act of generosity.
Ronda is at the moment through with her trial period as a hospital nurse, and since she continued to be stressed out by the job, by mutual consent with the hospital group, she decided to seek another kind of work in nursing. The hospital said they did not like to hire a new grad who had never worked in a hospital at all for this reason, that it was sometimes too stressful high tech work.
Ronda's husband is getting a wonderful promotion and this job was taking her away on weekends, too, so although she wants to earn money and work, she really wants it be hours that are more compatible with his work. She is going to continue her job search in another month whe Ethan has gone back to school. So right now she and Ethan are just hanging out, and although she is still retaining a maid service for her house, I guess she missed her old cleaning frenzies, so decided to come and be my maid for a day!
Doc kept hinting I should tell her about his kitchen floor needing a scrub, but I would not do it. He said another lady has offered to come and be his maid, and I said by all means to welcome her. I don't think it is good for him to do his cleaning anymore. Or me!
Ronda and I caught up on our dancing show we both love. Oh yes, and she expressed interest in the new beige hat I bought with my birthday money down the street. It is a very light cloth hat. So I insisted we go by the hat store before she left. We did and she bought a white one just like mine. I told the proprieter of Fed-Ex that if anyone expressed interest in a hat to me, I did not wait another moment to get them to the hat store. Fed-ex might seem like a strange place to buy a hat, but the proprieter just happens to love hats and has stocked a few. Believe me, it does not take long for me to find out where all the great hats can be bought in this city. Right now there are no hats for sale in the thrift store. It is so hot they sell as fast as they come in. And cloth is the only material that is bearable. Yes, this weekend we expect another record to be broken at around 115 degrees. Now is when we pay for our lovely winter weather.
Oh yes, and what tickled me is that Ethan pointed to the computer and said, "Grandma?" And then he said, "I better not." And sat back down to visit again. He just turned 10 on July 7th, but he is a gracious boy.



But I was so cheered up by Ronda's visit that I actually read a few of your blogs I had been neglecting. And thought as Kelli likes to say life is good!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

History of Ranching in Boulder this year's book project



The top photo is a recent one of the old Salt Gulch ranch house fixed up by the new owners. I am feeling a little wakeful tonight as this is the opening night of the 4 day Heritage festival. The two Utah sisters, Margie and Ann, plan to attend. Margie went today and Ann will be going over tomorrow, as she helped put together the ranching book. She worked last year on the School Days book. The photo above is one that was included in that book that features my son Gary in it, who went to school for a brief time one fall. I am sure all the property owners will find this book of interest. It is going to be a three year project, but they published about ten copies so people can see what they are doing. I think they are taking orders. Ann forwarded me a copy of the book so far by attachment, and I have been waiting until I feel better, so I can look at it on Doc's computer.
During the festival they plan a tour of what used to be the King Ranch being hosted by the couple who bought the ranch house. I am told that a cousin on my Dad's side is coming back for the festival, the first time she has been back to Boulder in years. She is up in her eighties so she probably felt she needed to get going if she was going to make it. She is the oldest daughter and most of the rest of the family have died off. I think she is the only one left out of 8!
My sister Margie sent me a generous present for my birthday later on this month, so I went to the thrift store where I found some colored tiered skirts that were just beautiful. I also found blouses to go with, some on a tag sale for $1.
I also dropped by the grocery store, Fresh and Easy, and picked up Doc's green chile sourdough bread he loves so much. I also got a jar of roasted red peppers and when I got home I toasted some of Doc's bread and put on some of the roasted red pepper hummus he buys me, and laid some roasted red peppers on that in an open-faced sandwich. It was divine.
I told Doc I bought ten bags of clothes for my birthday, and since he believes me to be a terrible clothes junkie he believed me!
My daughter Ronda and grandson Ethan are bringing lunch tomorrow, and I can't wait to show her the skirts. She loves clothes, too, and has the distinct advantage of being so slim and trim she looks very good in them. Dancing the west coast swing is surely good for the figger.
My son Gary called and said he had to take a detour to New Mexico to bid on a job, so he will see how tired he is before he decides to swing by Boulder to the festival. This was a bid his boss put in for after he had decided to go to Boulder, so he had to go since he is the bidder now. I know work has to take top priority in these hard times, so I am suppressing my worry, and hoping he will not get too tired! He was impressed and so was the doctor when his blood pressure went from 240/140 down to 110/60 his last visit. He can now see what a difference those high blood pressure pills he stopped taking can make! So people, don't ever go off your blood pressure pills once you have been prescribed them. That is not good.

Arizona Governor Janet Brewer signs abortion restrictions bill


The republican governor certainly gets my vote, who ascended to the governorship when democratic governor Janet Napolitano went to homeland security. Governor Napolitano vetoed abortion restriction bills twice.
If you check Az Central news on my blog list you will see what is making headlines at any given moment in Arizona.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

"Death Visiting"--My sister Linda's poem in Vooman's Voice profound, the reason she is called a poet


My sister Linda has just written a poem in Vooman's Voice in an entry about going to poet Harold Norse's memorial at the Beat Museum which proves to me why she has been called a poet for many years. Read and see if you don't think she is a poet, too. Her blog is on my blog list.
Death has been visiting here the last few days, in one of his stages, the reason why I cannot get to your blogs. I think I will be recovered in a few days.

I have tied flashback now to premonition

After thinking a lot about it, I just do not think that a memory over 60 years old would have the power to grip my mind in the manner that this one did, but a premonition might. Premonitions tie themselves to memories or whatever has similar characteristics to some future event as a way of trying to warn people to prepare. For example a while before my dad died I thought of him one day, and instead of his face appearing in my mind a skull came and then slowly faded. I also had several dreams indicating death since this was going to be a big event in the family. Since my dad was still in his early sixties, none of us expected him to die as soon as he did.
There was a lot of pain associated with this particular memory that ended when I returned home from school and was able to put a plan into action that ended any opportunity for the second molester to make contact. But up until then he tortured me keeping me in his sights. I think the premonition part of it is tied to a hostile person in my life whose health may be worsening. This does not mean that death is immident. For example, my mother became brain damaged to the point she could no longer speak so actually she was a more benign presence until her death a number of years later. She smiled some but was just more less blank.
But anyway my sisters and I are getting to the age that any of us or our companions could go at any time. My sister Margie's husband had a recent health crisis and he is nearly 90. We must be prepared for the next ten years to be a time of departure. So now I feel more at peace about not going to Utah and seeing my sisters. I am going to have to prepare more in order to make long trips. Taking more time in between.
Raymond just called me and I told him I thought the experience was a premonition. He has known me to have premonitions before, notably one I had about him in a dream, that his life was in great danger. A number of the details of this dream came true in just two weeks time, and he did indeed, barely escape death. I felt that by warning him ahead of time he was better able to recognize he was in danger of being murdered and acted possibly more forcefully to protect himself than he might have done otherwise.
I also had a very strong impulse to call my sister Ann about this strange waking experience and she was gone and I connected up to her husband in one call who has long been hostile to me. He has been under a lot of stress with some health problems that were serious but not life threatening so he was especially irritable. My sister Ann has the worst kind of diabetes possible because she has no pancreas and she has recently experienced a lot of worry because the enzymes she must have to stay alive jumped $400 in cost when the drug companies forced the generic drug companies out which offered the drug a lot cheaper. So I think this call led to her husband for a reason, because it was possibly a premonition about her or his health. Since it was tied to a hostile man, it is more likely his health is at the highest risk. Nothing he has going on right now seems life threatening, but the fact that he keeps having some quite serious problems may indicate a general deterioration in health. He has been unable to stop smoking.
As far as I have experienced them, premonitions cannot really prevent any big event in motion from happening, although I think there is a window during which small events can perhaps be divested of extreme danger when warnings are taken seriously and accurately interpreted.
I have generally engendered hostility in the family because I had to accuse molesters, but I did it very slowly over a period of many years, which I think sometimes needs to be done for damage control. I have also reacted to domestic violence since I experienced it almost to the point of being killed. Hostile husbands always raise my ire, and men who for not very clear reasons become very hostile to members of the wife's family. I think this is a form of spousal abuse which the hostile husband tries to blame on the bad in law who causes him to be hostile, but it also has to do with him, and means that he has trouble containing hostile reactions. This is not just about me, it is about him. So I would say to any relative whose husband is extra hostile to me, what is his problem, he is unable to be fair. I will not and cannot take the blame for everything.
I know what problems I present to the family. What any member who has been the victim of serious crimes during childhood does to the rest of the family. I had to become an accuser in order to get justice at all. My second molester has a very large family up there, and some of them became extremely hostile when I named him as the second molester which I did not do for years. But I also knew he messed with two other male teens in the family, startng possibly when they were children. So he did not just victimize me, but it is very hard for a family to accept what another member might do when a crme was involved.
This is what happens when you surface this kind of crime, why it becomes so hard to tell. Relatives become incensed. You make a lot of enemies. This is all part of why I have a hard time going to Utah. There was also another very difficult aspect of the molesting, my dad involved with the molesters in possible homosexual relationships that added an even more volatile element, them angry at him and using me for revenge. You make me too angry I hurt your daughter. Then other molesters became hostile to me. Then outsiders or in laws not wanting to believe any of this or possibly feeling defensive about some of their own behavior.
I had one man arrested for child molesting nobody had been able to touch. He was too dangerous. He was suspected of killing people. Having such a person arrested can be a very ugly business. Child molesting is too close to killing. It is an attack on the personality that can leave deep scars.
My sister tried to have a molester arrested up there she knew was messing with teen age boys. He had molested my son when he was 7 that I could not prove at the time. Her building that housed a bar was burned twice. The molester who had been arrested on a previous charge of arson was furious at her because a parent took a shot at him and she was trying to get him arrested for his molesting crimes. We were terrified she was going to get killed. Law enforcement is not easy, believe me. It is dangerous work, and people who work with law enforcement and go to the police with such crimes put themselves at risk. As an adult I have not hesitated to involve law enforcement if I was threatened, and I felt they saved my life several times.
Unreasonable hostility is always a bad sign in anybody and needs to be studied for its causes.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Getting better with good Farmer's Market produce

I think healthy food is the best cure for whatever ails you and today I cooked a pinto bean soup with onion, celery, and green pepper, and to go with it, I made fresh ziccini salad with ingredients all bought fresh at the Farmer's Market. The produce there is picked fresh possibly five days to a week or more sooner than produce in grocery stores Then I sweetened the salad made with ziccini, red onion, red and green pepper, chopped nuts, and 3 chopped sweet pickle with raw honey I bought there which I think is the best sweetener ever. It went in the cider and olive oil dressing. Then when I ate the bean soup I put a serving of the salad in with it making a hot and cold dish. When I eat good fresh food like this I feel I am just popping with vitamins and minerals I need.
When I buy fresh spinach there I have invented a spinach open faced sandwich which can be made with other greens as well. I cook the spinach until barely tender and then drain the water from it and spread it on pieces of buttered toast. I sprinkle a few drops of cider or wine vinegar on it. A very healthy lunch!
Doc bought a foccaccio bread today made with cheese and jalapeno and never have I tasted such good bread. He likes gourmet bread and bought this loaf at Safeway. He is now on good terms with the baker and says that if he does not buy the bread they quit making it! He has been extra good to me the last few days as he feel he did let me down when I needed care.
I am still trying to figure out what happened, but I know I am going to treat my worst memories with more respect. I seem to have gotten them back between the protective firewall distancing them again. I decided to check Inside Edition to see if they talked about what had triggered off this flashback. They did and actually played some of the kid's testimony again. Then they showed some of the jurors who all said that this kid just was not credible. That he had been coached. All 12 voted to acquit. I felt some indignation as I thought how is he supposed to sound, but then that was my gut reaction based on my own experiences trying to tell something nobody, absolutely nobody wants to hear.
But I felt nothing but a normal reaction, so I think just resting my mind and distancing myself was the road back to normalcy. I still have not been able to read blogs, so did feel like something happened out of the ordinary. It has not helped for us to be in a heat wave here in Phoenix, a record high 115 yesterday and a 114 today. When we go out in heat like this we all feel a little sick.
I did get upset the next day when I talked to relatives in Utah and told them that I would not be going to Utah again this year, as there was hostility emanating through the phone lines. It never ends. I needed more time to build myself up. Again, I felt the only solution was to go up there for something so positive that would give me such a lift any negative reactions would not ruin my visit after a long trip. I don't know if this can happen but it is a good thing to aim for.
I have felt so strongly about the hostility and danger I experienced in Boulder that I have told some of my kids long ago not to put even a marker in the cemetary up there for me. I have willed my body to science but for $40 they can get the remains in a few ashes after science is done with me, but I want them to toss them out in the saguaro, for I have come to feel they are sentinels, standing guard, and they are built to protect. The saguaro desert is the friendliest place on earth I can imagine my ashes blowing in the wind.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Watching video causes flashback to painful past in Boulder

It always seemed to me that there was a kind of mafia of western outlaws in Boulder, and they could hurt you. Unfortunately I would have to number my dad as one of them. He was a great cowboy, but he was involved in too many violent criminal acts for me to think he was anything but an outlaw. I had never experienced anything like this flashback, but it was triggered by watching a very disturbing video on Inside Edition. It was of the boy's testimony about Michael Jackson that was played in court for the jurors during his trial for child molesting. Regardless of whether the charge was true or not, there was enough authenticity in it to trigger this flashback to my painful hours of trying to figure out how to stop my molester. I just could not break up this grip the past suddenly had on my mind. I tried to think of people I could call who could help me, since at the time it happened Doc would have been at his drunkest and no good in the evening. I figured my sister Ann could help but I could not get a hold of her. She had apparently gone somewhere. After about an hour and I still could not shake it, I finally went down and knocked on the man's door who had so recently traumatized us all with his meltdown in a binge of suicidal drinking. I knew he was intelligent enough to handle this persistent painful flashback and I was right. He listened to me and eventually after about a half an hour of talking to him I would say I was able to come out of it.
But it was just like it happened yesterday. Instead of 65 years ago. The perpetrator was another outlaw hired man with a terrible hatred for my dad. It was like he was toying with the idea of how much harm to do me to try to quell his resentment. Again I felt I had to handle the problem of ongoing hits on me while doing the least harm I could to my family. By the time he had stalked me every year for three years, I became determined this crime would not escalate into a blood feud that would end up in somebody's death, which I thought it very well might if I told anybody. This time I thought it was most likely my dad who would get killed. I would not have been surprised if my perpetrator had not fantasized killing him a number of times. I felt it was up to me to see that the violence went no further so what I finally came up with was a plan to deny him opportunity. Which finally worked and stopped the abuse.
But at what cost, hours and hours of miserable thinking and going over and over all possibilities. First I would consider just disappearing, then I would think that was a stupid plan, because I would surely not be better off being only 13. Running away did not seem to be a good option. But if it had seemed like the only option, I have no doubt I might have tried to put this plan into action, as many times as I considered it as a way out.
I did eventually run away from Boulder and have hardly ever returned except for a very few days at a time. My niece had asked me to come up there for a writer's workshop in October but after this flashback I called and told her I could not come this year. I had to plan way ahead of time. Getting older and with a little less strength.
The last time I went up there some bad things happened associated with the past and the outlaws. This is what I had to try to prevent by having something so big and positive happening that it could counter anything negative. I felt this would be a play, and my niece agreed. I felt my son and she both needed to study me and the past through doing this play, Happy Hello, Sad Goodbye, which I wrote more than 50 years ago. It is flavored with all I had experienced up there good and bad. The threatening stranger comes and the young girls must keep something bad from happening with him. The spirits are on guard, trying to help protect the girls. The mountain is haunted.
I went down and told Doc about it the next day and told him I had not been able to turn to him because he was too drunk. At first he was sneery about me going to the other man's door and knocking and asking for help, and said he was now my boyfriend. I said no, he isn't. That is not the right response from you. It is your fault I cannot talk to you in the afternoon. He kept calling me all day to see if I was all right, because he knows enough about my past to take serious some kind of flashback.
My niece who majored in psychology and was a counselor in high school suggested I should try to find more sources of help, but I told her at this level of medicare there are no good talk therapists. There is only drug therapy. I have tried to get those therapists before from time to time. Talk therapy is very expensive and a basic lower level plan is not going to pay for it. There just isn't enough money, so I have always had to find talented people who could handle complex problems. Doc has been one, but limited by his own addiction. This was one reason I was so upset at the other man's suicidal plunge off a cliff so to speak into his brand of alcoholism, far more lethal faster than Doc's brand.
So it will take me a few more days to get back to normal. In the meantime I am going to let other younger stronger people analyze Michael Jackson's life. This is something I don't need to do. I think we all had a reaction to his relatively sudden death too young. And as there was with Elvis and others, there will be books written about him for some years to come, people who knew him who want to add more to the information already known. And in time we will get a more complete picture. I read where his father is suspicious that he met with foul play. So there needs to be these studies of what really happened to satisfy all those who have questions about different aspects of his life.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Dante to go to California by way of El Paso


Dan will be pleased to know I met up with Angelina and Dante last night to give them funds sent by him for their trip to Blythe, and was relieved to find out Dante's uncle was coming clear to Phoenix to pick Dante up to accompany him to Texas to visit relatives before ending back up in California for a few weeks summer vacation. Angelina's beautiful little children were with them, goodness sakes, some people's kids are so gorgeous. Her little boy with her big eyes is now rivaling Dante in striking looks, and the little 2 year old girl is as pretty as he is handsome. Angelina says in August she will take her little kids and go to California for a big family reunion.
I have not been able to talk to my daughter Ronda yet, but I was so glad that Nigel assured the two dancers who had to go home last night from So you think you can dance they will still be able to go on the tour. All the dancers are so good I have fallen in love with every one of them. Now I think this is a show that is doing so much good in America, getting people excited about dancing. What could be better for their physical well being as well as for their desires to create?
All of us sisters grew up dancing. Our country dances were such wonderful occasions of creativity and joy. I have so many memories of great dancers dazzling the crowds of watchers. That was their time to shine, and if you could keep up with them, yours, too. I will never forget Vallen Veater with the twinkling toes, and my excitement one night on being asked to dance a fast one with him. (I found out I could not dance doubletime) He danced twice as fast as anybody else and his fingers were just as fast on the guitar. He formed a band and played on weekends in his spot for years. Then there was Gordon, who was Dean's younger half brother, the best dancer in a family of talented people. He was gentle and good-looking, too, and so modest despite being so popular on the dance floor with the girls. Dean, my ex-husband, was never as good a dancer. His singing was what was phenomonal, and he lived to take a turn with the band. They did not allow just anybody to sing. You had to be good.
Which all goes to show that talent can find a way anywhere, even in small country towns nobody from the outside world ever heard of. And I, of course specialized in giving readings and later on writing plays. I know you are going to love my sisters' blogs, Vooman's Voice, and Kanyonlandking because they are both poets. So far Ann has written all her entries in poetry. I think that's delightful. She just posted a stunning photograph too of the 'forest creatures' as a header. You will love it. Ann was and still is the great hiker of the family, while LaRae, who passed on, was the ledge climber, going where no other girls dared to go. She specialized in daring feats. Linda walked on her hands, and my son Raymond could not wait to turn himself into a hand walker.
Now the children and grandchildren try to figure out how to surpass the old gals in their endeavors, so it is a lot of fun to watch them go.

PS Even though I loved my banner I took it off because some with dial-up were having trouble uploading my blog. Connie is always so up on the latest graphic feats. Well, it's time to get ready and go to breakfast down to Doc's. Up and at 'em!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Busy talking to family yesterday

Above photo is on the road in Boulder.
Yesterday was my grandson Ethan's birthday, but his mother must have been working one of her long nurse's shifts so I did not get to talk to him. I watched So You Think You Dance last night which is hers and my favorite tv show, so we will have to discuss that one of these days, probably on her way to dance. Last 4th of July weekend she was busy with the annnual dance convention held in Phoenix every year to one of the resorts.
Next I talked to Angelina, Dante's mother, who is going to take Dante to Blythe this evening to meet up with a relative driving there from the Los Angeles area to pick him up for the next month or so summer vacation. My son Dan was transferring some funds for the trip, so I could give her the money. I agreed to cash the birthday check Doc gave Dante. She said Dante had a nice birthday celebration on the 28th of June.
Son Dan called who has been very busy up to Boulder doing the tech part of Raymond's one man show, which also includes moving the set from one place to another. Raymond just posted a new entry in his blog Cowboys and Bohemians on my list saying he had booked the show as a dinner theater event to the Kiva Koffeehouse down on the Escalante River, a very beautiful spot. He is saying now that moving the set around is considerable work!
But they are still looking for places to book it. And also getting ready for the Festival weekend after next.
I called son Gary to find him now living in a motel. He moved from his daughter's and is looking for a house. I thank goodness for cell phones or I could not keep up with my kids for sure. Now no matter where they go it is with their handy cell phones by their sides. Gary was happy because he still hadn't smoked yet! What the doctor thought was the most important thing to do for his heart, stop smoking! He is still planning to take a day off and drive up to Utah for the festival.
I talked to my niece Cheryl who proposed the idea of me coming up in October to Boulder for a Writer's Workshop the Festival is sponsoring. I have been getting Utah fever which happens every summer when I hear about the rest of the family arriving there for fun, hiking, family reunions, etc.
Sister Ann's family just met there at their family cabin up in King's Pasture. They brought ATV's and a good time was had by all. She reported she went down to visit my sons in Dean's old trailer. My son Dan joined the family for icecream up to my niece Camille's ice cream place. She has a motel, too, and gift shop where Dan is putting in a few hours to help her out.
My son Raymond found the need to establish an AA chapter in Boulder. He says he can't conquor his alcohol addiction unless he has one of those going. I don't think Gary has sworn off beer. One thing at a time and right now his top priority is cutting out cigarettes.
So you can tell there is a lot of action going on in Boulder. Weekend after next a whole passle of relatives will be headed for Boulder and the festival. Motels are booked. Some have jobs like running an auction and cooking for the dutch oven feast that has become a tradition. All the relatives who will and can cook a dish, which they sell to the crowd on the last evening of the Festival. There is nothing like dutch oven cooking in Boulder! They are looking forward to seeing Gary, glad he is alive. He says he feels pretty good, so they must have pretty much caught his heart attack in time.
Sister Ann and her husband Tom had to make a quick trip to the eye clinic in St. George as he started having leakage in the back of one eye, and an expert doctor must perform some sort of laser surgery on him. She has not reported back on the family site yet.
My sister Margie called me Sunday to thank me for her birthday book (it arrived early) and tell me family news I may not have heard about. I am always grateful for family calls. I see my sister Linda has reported on one of her fascinating dreams tonight, in Vooman's Voice on my blog list. In this entry a woman asked her to give her advice about a business venture she and her partner were thinking of taking a chance on. Linda said she would try to dream about it, and remarkably she did, and the woman said that her advice from the dream was right on, warning them the venture was not a good thing! This is the kind of dreaming Linda can do. She is certainly a professional dreamer. If you are interested in dreams, her blog is your cup of tea.
I have those kind of dreams, too, but not so frequently. For example a few days ago I was dreaming about my sister Margie and her husband Floyd it seemed like the whole night, which told me something was going to happen with them that affected me, and sure enough she called with a whole bunch of news that kept me calling Utah all afternoon! In fact, Raymond just called back today, as I had to leave a message for him to call, and he assured me he was okay. We discussed our panic attacks. I used to call either him or Gary to talk me down from one. If they weren't available I would usually go to emergency for a while. I would even take the bus there. I knew they wouldn't let me die while I was in there, so I could relax.
You can see I have a large family to keep up with! I hope I haven't left any news untold. Oh yes, my first cousin Sue in Richland Washington who has cerebral palsy also developed numb hands like my sister Linda still waiting for an MRI after months of numb hands. Sue got her MRI and the doctor told her the fusion in her neck was old and worn out, causing pressure on her nerves and numb hands, and he told her she needed to retire from work on disability. She is 56, and has been such a hard worker all these years. Her boss did not even know she was deaf she reads lips so wonderfully well. My Aunt Vesta became a teacher of the handicapped so she could be sure she learned skills to carry her through life. An RH factor caused her to be deprived of oxygen. They had to take all her blood out and replace it with new, but didnt do it in time to prevent the cerebral palsy. Her brother had to have the same thing, but they were in time. The wonders of modern science! Without those procedures neither would have survived! I so admire my cousin Sue for her courage and perseverence being so independent. Has she ever earned her disability benefits! She is wonderful. Photo below is a meeting of the clan in the aspens of King's Pasture where the deer roam freely and mountain air is so fresh!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Studying Michael Jackson

This is what I think we will be doing for quite a few years to come, trying to understand what really happened. I have just been watching the Martin Bashir interviews of Michael, plus excerpts from what he said on a morning show interview very recently. I have also watched several videos of the behind the scenes documentary that Michael made of the same Brashir's interview which of course was not edited the same way.
I have studied many men accused of child molestation, tried to find out as much as I could, primarily because either they had targeted me as a child or later on one of my kids. I had one man arrested who brazenly grabbed my daughter and molested her in a space of a few seconds while he was walking through the hallway to the exit door. He was very drunk and I had suggested he leave. My sister who was there saw him turn and go into the bedroom where my daughter and her daughter were playing. He had always acted quite fascinated with my daughter who was a beautiful little girl, but I was very wary of him because his own daughter had left home, when she had barely become a teen, saying he had been molesting her. As far as I know she never returned home again
I was quite surprised to find that he was a brilliant, witty, charming man, when I got more closely acquainted with him, but always drinking. I decided to try to get to know him better for the sake of his kids. He was in the community to stay so I thought it was better to start off trying to be friends with him. I have been criticized for doing this, by my daughter especially, but I don't think ignoring a suspected child molester right in your own community is safe either. I did cut off relations with him when he went so far that I did not think it was safe to continue to be friends with him. I told him he had violated the friendship. But he would always know that I spent time trying to get his side of the story.
So then here he was taking advantage of a very small window of opportunity to grab up my 5 year old daughter and briefly molest her before my sister Ann entered the room and ordered him out. I then had him arrested, and he was ordered to have therapy to escape a jail sentence. He had an important government job and was flown all over the country to solve computer problems. It was only by complying to his sentence that he escaped being fired, but my daughter, 5, had to testify in court. I did not talk to him after that for about five years, and then through a mutual friend, we somewhat resumed talking, but I was even more wary, and it was not long until he did something that was unacceptable, again involving my daughter who continued to fascinate him in a sexual way. His friend, now dead, and not a sterling character himself, said he was obssessed with underage girls.
So few molesters had ever been charged in that country, I thought having him arrested was progress, only I don't think my daughter thought of it like that. I had finally surfaced my story of being molested at 5, only partially at 8, but my molester disappeared as though off the face of the earth 2 months later. I did not know if he had been murdered or what. Only years later did I hear a story that he had been shot at just before he disappeared.
The charming pedofile who molested my son and any number of boys his age during his fairly long criminal career was never charged once or arrested for child molestation. My son did not admit to me that molestation had taken place until he was in his 30's, saying that was a hard thing for a boy to admit. That was one reason I acted when my daughter was molested and had the man arrested. He had gotten away with molesting his own daughter, I thought, so he was not going to get away with molesting mine.
I just did not think my father would have waited for the law to take care of my molester. I feared he would murder him, partly because of his own involvment in a homosexual affair with him. I thought fear of exposure would have made him more murderous. This man was given to very obscene remarks, to say nothing of molesting a 5 year old, so I thought my dad would fear he would expose him if he was arrested, and their affair. This might have seemed unthinkable and unacceptable to him, I thought, given the times, and as secretive as anybody gay was, especially those married to women. You have to remember I heard my dad threaten to kill a man who had rustled his cattle. He first tried to beat him up, and then he was going for his gun, and this man had gotten a five year jail sentence in court for the rustling and was only home taking care of his affairs when my dad spotted him. My mother kept screaming at my dad that he would go to jail, too, if he murdered him!
I think that what needs to be determined if possible is whether Michael ever crossed the line into actual sexual behavior with children staying over with him. I think the very fact that he was so focused on children, and that he wanted to sleep with them was abnormal, which I dont think he ever could acknowledge. I don't think Michael thought that this focus on children was a means of sexual excitement to him. More than one woman called him asexual. He apparently had to force himself to be sexual with women, and he stated very adamantly that he was not gay, but I think that he did not recognize perhaps the sexual aspect of the attraction children had for him. And that he was possibly always flirting with this attraction, trying, of course, to keep it in check.
Now this is exactly what anyone who is attracted to children needs to do, is to be very careful to keep the attraction from finding expression. On camera Michael insists that sleeping with children even not his own was a loving caring gesture on his part, and he defends it, but does not seem to realize that an adult male sleeping with them may not have been what these children needed, but would have not been able to say so, perhaps. Other adults would know that this was probably a 'kindness' that Michael needed to deny himself the pleasure of giving, which he never seemed to see.
Adults sleeping together is strongly associated with having sex, and it would have been hard for children not to have been conditioned this way, so the very fact that this bacame something Michael wanted to do and defended tells me that he had not accepted the limitions that he needed to impose on himsell. It was like he was not listening to all the reasons he needed to be more cautious and was not accepting them, so even though I found for example his generosity in creating Neverland and giving visits there as a gift to many children wonderful, I still had to note a disturbing aspect to his thinking. Some child molesters I have liked very much, but I always had to stay wary. I think we have to stay wary so as not to be seduced ourselves by the charm of some who are determined to do their own thing. And will not listening to any reasoning that might suggest that what they say is loving and 'pure' really isn't.

Prince from Saturn gets arrested for exposing himself in public when he had to go


In the last scene featuring any drama in this play Casey reveals that Ken has been arrested for urinating in public when he was gathering cans and newspapers with Baby Maureen. A woman saw him, her husband called the police, and Ken is faced with a $600 fine or a jail sentence or possibly both.
I was somewhat disturbed by this revelation the last time the real live Ken and Casey were to visit me asking if they could stay a few days until they could move to the subsidized apartment they had applied for and received. Ken did have to serve a jail sentence I believe of a few months duration. Anyway he told me that he was so happy to see Howler when he got home. He said nothing about Casey who separated from him while he was in jail. But under federal law, he could not be denied another apartment in the same complex so he could visit his daughter. He and Howler took up residence there where Ken began to fill the walls with his colorful drawings and began to watch a lot of horror movies which disturbed me some. I just did not know if Ken could stay out of trouble. He could not, and what happened during the next few years filled everyone with dismay and some sadness. There will be one more update on this play.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

History of Queen Victoria's Daughters comforting read

I will have to explain why reading a history like this can be so comforting. It is when you are dealing with present day hard problems and there is a lot of controversy and disagreement. It was exhausting to write about Michael Jackson when there are so many different reactions to his personality. I was afraid my black friends would think I was being too harsh. After all, history is being made when a superstar dies young and many are affected. It is unbelievable how many in Los Angeles are expected to surround the scene of his memorial today. There is no question that people are running the gamut of reactions to his death and to his personality, his history, and biographers will be sorting out what happened to cause his early death for years to come, just as they did for years with Elvis Presley.
So it is comforting to go back in history when all the hoopla has died away and read about famous figures then who were talked about all the time, so much was known about them in their time.
I am sure Queen Victoria's daughters were almost as famous, say, as Princess Diana in her time. What I get out of a book like this is a close look say at the times and what those people had to suffer from not having our modern inventions and conveniences. Take the immunizations we take for granted for our children. In this book diptheria hits the families of the daughters with devastating results. One child dies in one daughter's family and then it hits daughter Alicia's family. She nursed one child through it, but her youngest little girl dies. When her little son recovers somewhat he asks for his beloved little sister and is so grieved when his mother has to tell him she has died, that his mother takes him in her arms to comfort him. Unfortunately he was still contagious and she comes down with the diptheria in due time and dies at the age of 35.
I am so glad I don't know her as I would if she lived now days so I would have to grieve over hers and the child's death. I don't think I could take it.
Also the dread hemophilia plagued this large family and caused a number of deaths. Victoria was a carrier, and daughters are the ones who might pass it on to their sons. Queen Victoria had a bleeder son and four of her daughters also had sons with hemophilia. It is a condition that afflicts males. Enough of these sons died young that they must have lived in considerable dread that any little accident or mishap would cause uncontrollable bleeding and these sons would and did die.
Then this was the horse age, and I was reminded once again of how accidents can occur with riding horses as well as horse drawn carriages. Victoria's oldest daughter Vicky was thrown from a horse after riding for 50 years and her neck was twisted and badly hurt. So she lived in misery after, but worse still while she was down and was examined closely by doctors, it was discovered she had advanced breast cancer. Not much cancer awareness then! When she was dying, the doctors would only give her enough opiates to relieve the pain a short time on the grounds that she would die faster if she was over medicated. They were quite heartless in those days when it came to pain. I was sure glad I did not know her well while she was going through her final years of suffering which must have been well documented at the time, because I have hardly ever read such a harrowing account of a painful death. Having gone through nursing Pierre who died of lung cancer, I compared the attitude of her doctors to the hospice doctors he had at the end, who kept him well medicated. But he only found out he had cancer a month before he died, so all the pain he experienced in the months previous he would just grit his teeth and bear with only light painkillers, advil when he ran out of that. This book gave me renewed awe over his toughness in going through cancer pain with such stoic silent strength.
Another big problem this author, Jerome M. Packard, is able to deal with in depth is that of these girls and their daughters marrying men who were even suspected of being homosexuals. In the present day, there is still so much controversy and reaction surrounding this subject, that gay men marrying women cannot be talked about freely. In those days girls did not have as much freedom to choose who they wanted to marry, especially royalty who had to be paired up with some kind of eligible royalty. One grand daughter describes her husband as a lover of boys in letters to her family saying that no boys were safe from him, that he chased after and involved every boy he saw in sexual activities. She even added, 'he does not miss a one.' Needless to say, her horrified family supported her divorce. Access to all the family letters, of course, gave this bio much of its authenticity. The thoughts of these private letters probably were not made public in those days either.
Another of the daughters, Louise, was not so lucky. Her husband was described as being very close to his uncle, a known homosexual, suggesting that he and the uncle were involved. Good Lord, you could not say that now in a book about our times. But she somehow could not get out of that marriage but was never happy. They appeared to have nothing but a distant companionship, but she was constrained not to do anything else by her very proper mother, Queen Victoria, who did not want her to go through the disgrace and scandal of divorce.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book which is very well written. I did not know a thing about Queen Victoria's 8 children, so this was a great find in the thrift store.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

When Michael Jackson sexually offended with crotch touching and did not seem to recognize it


A commenter on Youtube said that my tit flashing offended him, so my objections were a bunch of rubbish. I commented that I had sort of worn this costume on purpose thinking it might offend some people, which shows how easily we can react to some people showing cleavage, etc, but how we accept people of superstar status using gestures that are too sexual for a performance with a large group of children. If Michael could not perceive that was really the wrong time to do it, would he be able to tell at other times when he crossed the line, especially when no one was around to see. And only the child to tell.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

A broken hearted girl seeks spiritual healing (Prince from Saturn, Act II, Scene 7-8)


After Jana finds out Casey has been robbed, she greets University student, daughter Raya, who has some startling news to tell her, which Jana suspects was caused by a broken heart.

The sexual inappropriateness of Michael Jackson

This is not an entry I want to write, but since I was molested as a child, twice with considerable damage, and other times with gestures of such short duration I was able to protect myself from that person I feel that I am one who should address sexual inappropriateness in entertainers like Michael Jackson. I would refer you to one performance of Jackson's in particular, the one football Superbowl performance in which he danced around the stage with a large group of children. During this performance he made the gesture of touching his crotch over and over, to the point that even a fan like Oprah Winfrey interviewed him after, and asked about this gesture, and said she didn't get it. I would say she was trying to say she did not get why this was necessary, obviously disturbed by it, as I was and I am sure others were, too. Michael acted embarrassed by her asking him such a thing, but this gesture did not disappear form his performances until he had been charged with child molesting.
I thought right then and there that was what was so unfortunate about him making sexually inappropriate gestures in his very performances including children so they could not possibly be said to be for adults only, was that Michael got away with something and set a precedent that made such a gesture all right for other entertainers to make targeting teen audiences. He was so rich and successful it took quite a while for the public to react, but react enough people did, so that his illustrious career eventually became forever tarnished, not just from that, but from the accusations that surfaced that Michael was guilty of sexual inappropriateness in other ways. I did not think that Michael would have performed the way he did that night, if he had accepted what lines he could not cross. I thought when he became very wealthy and famous, he became like a spoiled child who stubbornly refuses to be discplined any more. He would not listen to other people's ideas of what was appropriate and pay heed. To me this is how a sexual offender evolves, by getting away with what he does, which is why I had to write this entry.
There are so many aspects of Michael's history I could talk about, but I am not going to go further. I feel that his problems are being addressed by many analysts who will be fair. They will recognize his talent and accomplishments but they will not shirk their responsibilities to the public when it comes to inappropriate behavior with children. They will raise all the right questions. I just have to stand beside them as willing to add my impressions to theirs. We all have to take some responsibility for seeing that our children are not sent the wrong message.

Friday, July 3, 2009

I received a letter from President Obama yesterday

In it he referred me to a web site he has created: WhiteHouse.gov I went there and from what I was able to read in my search on the abortion issue, I am including an excerpt from what he said when he spoke at Notre Dame University:

That’s when we begin to say, "Maybe we won’t agree on abortion, but we can still agree that this heart-wrenching decision for any woman is not made casually, it has both moral and spiritual dimensions."
So let us work together to reduce the number of women seeking abortions, let’s reduce unintended pregnancies. (Applause.) Let’s make adoption more available. (Applause.) Let’s provide care and support for women who do carry their children to term. (Applause.) Let’s honor the conscience of those who disagree with abortion, and draft a sensible conscience clause, and make sure that all of our health care policies are grounded not only in sound science, but also in clear ethics, as well as respect for the equality of women." Those are things we can do. (Applause.)
Now, understand -- understand, Class of 2009, I do not suggest that the debate surrounding abortion can or should go away. Because no matter how much we may want to fudge it -- indeed, while we know that the views of most Americans on the subject are complex and even contradictory -- the fact is that at some level, the views of the two camps are irreconcilable. Each side will continue to make its case to the public with passion and conviction. But surely we can do so without reducing those with differing views to caricature"


I have written him several letters, one regarding my disturbance with the pro choice faction speaking for the democratic party, while I and many other Christian democrats are unaboutedly still pro life and feeling extremely frustrated because of the direction the democratic party has taken on this difficult subject.

I believe that the Christian pro life democrats should speak out. In his letter to me President Obama said that he appreciated my imput and thought on the difficlt issue of abortion. He also says that he is interested in making his Administration as open and transparent as any in history.

I believe him when he says that, and in the months to come, I will continue to write him my concerns when they become so urgently felt that it seems necessary. I was heartened by his words about conscience in his address to Notre Dame, as though he respects conscience which does not seem to be the case with the architects of FOCA. The future and indeed the present text of FOCA still remains shrouded in darkness. It remains to be seen what if any changes have been made in its intent and purpose since Obama became the candidate and won the presidency.

Herrad

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