After thinking a lot about it, I just do not think that a memory over 60 years old would have the power to grip my mind in the manner that this one did, but a premonition might. Premonitions tie themselves to memories or whatever has similar characteristics to some future event as a way of trying to warn people to prepare. For example a while before my dad died I thought of him one day, and instead of his face appearing in my mind a skull came and then slowly faded. I also had several dreams indicating death since this was going to be a big event in the family. Since my dad was still in his early sixties, none of us expected him to die as soon as he did.
There was a lot of pain associated with this particular memory that ended when I returned home from school and was able to put a plan into action that ended any opportunity for the second molester to make contact. But up until then he tortured me keeping me in his sights. I think the premonition part of it is tied to a hostile person in my life whose health may be worsening. This does not mean that death is immident. For example, my mother became brain damaged to the point she could no longer speak so actually she was a more benign presence until her death a number of years later. She smiled some but was just more less blank.
But anyway my sisters and I are getting to the age that any of us or our companions could go at any time. My sister Margie's husband had a recent health crisis and he is nearly 90. We must be prepared for the next ten years to be a time of departure. So now I feel more at peace about not going to Utah and seeing my sisters. I am going to have to prepare more in order to make long trips. Taking more time in between.
Raymond just called me and I told him I thought the experience was a premonition. He has known me to have premonitions before, notably one I had about him in a dream, that his life was in great danger. A number of the details of this dream came true in just two weeks time, and he did indeed, barely escape death. I felt that by warning him ahead of time he was better able to recognize he was in danger of being murdered and acted possibly more forcefully to protect himself than he might have done otherwise.
I also had a very strong impulse to call my sister Ann about this strange waking experience and she was gone and I connected up to her husband in one call who has long been hostile to me. He has been under a lot of stress with some health problems that were serious but not life threatening so he was especially irritable. My sister Ann has the worst kind of diabetes possible because she has no pancreas and she has recently experienced a lot of worry because the enzymes she must have to stay alive jumped $400 in cost when the drug companies forced the generic drug companies out which offered the drug a lot cheaper. So I think this call led to her husband for a reason, because it was possibly a premonition about her or his health. Since it was tied to a hostile man, it is more likely his health is at the highest risk. Nothing he has going on right now seems life threatening, but the fact that he keeps having some quite serious problems may indicate a general deterioration in health. He has been unable to stop smoking.
As far as I have experienced them, premonitions cannot really prevent any big event in motion from happening, although I think there is a window during which small events can perhaps be divested of extreme danger when warnings are taken seriously and accurately interpreted.
I have generally engendered hostility in the family because I had to accuse molesters, but I did it very slowly over a period of many years, which I think sometimes needs to be done for damage control. I have also reacted to domestic violence since I experienced it almost to the point of being killed. Hostile husbands always raise my ire, and men who for not very clear reasons become very hostile to members of the wife's family. I think this is a form of spousal abuse which the hostile husband tries to blame on the bad in law who causes him to be hostile, but it also has to do with him, and means that he has trouble containing hostile reactions. This is not just about me, it is about him. So I would say to any relative whose husband is extra hostile to me, what is his problem, he is unable to be fair. I will not and cannot take the blame for everything.
I know what problems I present to the family. What any member who has been the victim of serious crimes during childhood does to the rest of the family. I had to become an accuser in order to get justice at all. My second molester has a very large family up there, and some of them became extremely hostile when I named him as the second molester which I did not do for years. But I also knew he messed with two other male teens in the family, startng possibly when they were children. So he did not just victimize me, but it is very hard for a family to accept what another member might do when a crme was involved.
This is what happens when you surface this kind of crime, why it becomes so hard to tell. Relatives become incensed. You make a lot of enemies. This is all part of why I have a hard time going to Utah. There was also another very difficult aspect of the molesting, my dad involved with the molesters in possible homosexual relationships that added an even more volatile element, them angry at him and using me for revenge. You make me too angry I hurt your daughter. Then other molesters became hostile to me. Then outsiders or in laws not wanting to believe any of this or possibly feeling defensive about some of their own behavior.
I had one man arrested for child molesting nobody had been able to touch. He was too dangerous. He was suspected of killing people. Having such a person arrested can be a very ugly business. Child molesting is too close to killing. It is an attack on the personality that can leave deep scars.
My sister tried to have a molester arrested up there she knew was messing with teen age boys. He had molested my son when he was 7 that I could not prove at the time. Her building that housed a bar was burned twice. The molester who had been arrested on a previous charge of arson was furious at her because a parent took a shot at him and she was trying to get him arrested for his molesting crimes. We were terrified she was going to get killed. Law enforcement is not easy, believe me. It is dangerous work, and people who work with law enforcement and go to the police with such crimes put themselves at risk. As an adult I have not hesitated to involve law enforcement if I was threatened, and I felt they saved my life several times.
Unreasonable hostility is always a bad sign in anybody and needs to be studied for its causes.
- ► 2010 (422)
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