Spoiling things for others is usually part of an addiction. If say your addiction keeps you from being able to love than you spoil love for others as much as you can so you won't feel like you are missing out. And spoiling is easier. Doesn't take as much thought or physical powess which you might not have. It is just a matter of plotting and scheming somewhat unconsciously.
My relationship with Doc has always involved sparring with him to try to keep him from spoiling things for me at the same time taking advantage of the considerable talent he has to accomplish some of the things I still hadn't been able to do. I didn't have a whole lot of time left in my late seventies. I needed an actor to do my plays. I have always needed actors but they are hard to come by.
Basically he had done a lot of acting with me. And during the course of those projects we have come to know each other very well, but in all that time we have not even come close to love. When it comes to love and passion Doc is an actor. He will act the role, but he does not want to be bothered doing it. He is too busy drinking. He does not want to be in love. He does not want to live as you have to live if you are going to have a physical relationship. I would say he retired from the fields of love maybe 10 to 15 years ago. It is hard to tell.
But if he gets jealous he just can't keep from implying friendship which is a lot less demanding is really love. Which is a farce.
He reminds me of a ten year old in the gestures he makes to express interest in passion. No more serious than a ten year old could be. Alcohol has diminished him to a child-like state, but he does not care.
However he has gravitated too far into being the spoiler for me to be associating with him as much as I have been doing. He is too treacherous. But still owning equipment with him and using his big new computer I needed some contact with him. I have decided what I have to do is not share meals with him, because that gets too far into the couple thing. I mean we don't eat the same things. I have just gotten into the habit of eating breakfast in his apartment which habit I have tried to terminate several times before because it always causes trouble.
People just would not believe from all the videos we have made, long and short, and all the laughing that has entailed, that we are not a couple, but look at all these dancers, say on Dancing with the Stars. That is the biggest example I can think of of people who are performing something intimate like dancing and yet may be married to other people! Show business people have to do this all the time. Everytime they take a new part they might be thrown into some kind of what looks like real intimacy with a person they sometimes hardly even know but who is the dancer or actor cast in the part 'opposite them.' Their real life love might not even be an actor or dancer. And all that laughing is just part of saying the lines and getting the humor right as much as possible. Doc cannot be induced to rehearse due to his alcoholism so he is a limited actor in that way, too.
And you cannot trust an alcoholic not to be treacherous. That is what alcohol does to a person, so he is going to be mean and difficult when he gets jealous. That is a given. He is not going to be fair or nice. So I have had to deal with that.
He is the one who is always tempted to suggest that what contact we have is a couple thing. He encourages people to think we are a couple no matter how loudly I proclaim we are not. I am not going to lie to people about this. But he will. He does not want to admit how limited his relationships have to be due to alcohol.
As for the blogging world he is my actor partner, like Regis say is a partner to his female TV players. Of course, if it seems more advantageous to him, he will suddenly act like he is not a couple. Then the other person, he thinks, the female in question he may be trying to impress, will be more amenable to his charms. He just does not bother to pursue other females very often. It interferes with his serious drinking. But once in a while it happens.
Oh what a mix up that can be! Which is basically what happened to cause this latest parting of the ways. He got bored in the evening and instead of going to bed drunk as he usually does around 7 pm, he decided to go visit a female who had been wanting him to make a DVD with her as the subject. He took the camera and tripod and they proceeded to make a DVD until long after midnight. Part of it took place in his apartment where they came to film what he calls a trailer, usually big long drawn own commentary on what has already gone on. I see these trailers as unncecessary but he can't be talked out of them.
There was a little bit of conversation about me, very little. She said I would be mad. I think he referred to me as old. Then he was flirting quite a bit in his ten year old fashion since he was so drunk I thought he seemed on the verge of passing out.
And I sat and thought about how careful I have been required to be while even talking to other men so he would not go into one of this jealous nasty fits. And here he was merrily making a movie for hours with this woman at least ten years younger than himself, quite good looking, and rather flirtatious. And he also forced me to watch this 'movie' all the way through and high pressured me to respond like it was a real accomplishment. As drunk as he was and tried to get her, that would have been about impossible.
Here he has been requiring that I not talk to other men for months, except only in the most limited fashion, and now he is expecting me to be very tolerant of his spree in the other direction. I just could not do it and still have breakfast with him.
I can do it just fine now I have moved all my breakfast things home. His movie no longer bothers me at all. I now feel a greater freedom to talk to other men. He is the one who broke the code, he wanted more freedom. Well, so do I. I was just being polite to him because we have so often made videos in the morning when we got together. Having breakfast with him seemed like part of the pay I was able to extend to him. But that is all it was or ever was going to be.
Doc has so far to go to sober up and be a serious contender I cannot imagine us even together if he did try. I have seen him too much the other way, and powerless. And content to be powerless.
He has got an exaggerated sense of value of the intellect. Intellect without sobriety is not all that powerful, but he has been able to use his once powerful intellect drunk to get by. I don't know why he would elect to make this a way of life. Why does any alcoholic fall into such traps?
I don't think I could fall in love with him if he did sober up, I have been too aggravated with him. I think that is why he is sulking. Other men have been smart enough to stay sober and have gotten way ahead of him in giving women what they want. Not even he could make up for all the years he has down right wasted. No matter how many tricks he pulls he cannot be my love. He can't drink and have both. And drink and drink and drink.
He called up and apologized today saying he finally realized how fragile I was! Fragile I am!! I said no, Doc, the problem is alcohol. Drink after drink after drink. Four years I have watched him drink. Well, he's had some of my time. He is going to have to be content with that. My heart has nothing more to give to him.
- ► 2010 (422)
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