Snarl drives daughters to boobing and bawling and going crazy Act II-1

I don't know if you guys can stand watching this play but it's like catharsis for me. I have to show what it was like to live with an outlaw dad, too, who turned mean in his old age to the point hardly anyone wanted to be around him. He tried my soul, I know that. I dreamed when I was looking after him in his old age that I was walking beside the road and he came along in his gold cadillac and swerved and tried to hit me. I jumped aside and his car went over a cliff. I thought better him than me.
I still feel his spirit raging some. Why was he so mean? Hard to tell, but isn't it funny how all mean grouchy men sound alike? Doc is not like this, but acts this part to perfection. He knows hnow they sound. But he is very soft spoken and civilized. It is no wonder I have been able to tolerate his drinking as well as I have. It is a matter of degree.
I get to act the part of my sister Brownie, too. As we argue with our dad. I can't say hope you enjoy, but it was real life. To my mind, a writer has to be willing to write how bad it was, too, or otherwise we can never get a handle on what went wrong. It is a matter of facing reality and not sugar coating the past. And then finding a way to improve our own characters so we don't hurt people needlessly with out of control behaviors.

Getting better with good Farmer's Market produce

I think healthy food is the best cure for whatever ails you and today I cooked a pinto bean soup with onion, celery, and green pepper, and to go with it, I made fresh ziccini salad with ingredients all bought fresh at the Farmer's Market. The produce there is picked fresh possibly five days to a week or more sooner than produce in grocery stores Then I sweetened the salad made with ziccini, red onion, red and green pepper, chopped nuts, and 3 chopped sweet pickle with raw honey I bought there which I think is the best sweetener ever. It went in the cider and olive oil dressing. Then when I ate the bean soup I put a serving of the salad in with it making a hot and cold dish. When I eat good fresh food like this I feel I am just popping with vitamins and minerals I need.
When I buy fresh spinach there I have invented a spinach open faced sandwich which can be made with other greens as well. I cook the spinach until barely tender and then drain the water from it and spread it on pieces of buttered toast. I sprinkle a few drops of cider or wine vinegar on it. A very healthy lunch!
Doc bought a foccaccio bread today made with cheese and jalapeno and never have I tasted such good bread. He likes gourmet bread and bought this loaf at Safeway. He is now on good terms with the baker and says that if he does not buy the bread they quit making it! He has been extra good to me the last few days as he feel he did let me down when I needed care.
I am still trying to figure out what happened, but I know I am going to treat my worst memories with more respect. I seem to have gotten them back between the protective firewall distancing them again. I decided to check Inside Edition to see if they talked about what had triggered off this flashback. They did and actually played some of the kid's testimony again. Then they showed some of the jurors who all said that this kid just was not credible. That he had been coached. All 12 voted to acquit. I felt some indignation as I thought how is he supposed to sound, but then that was my gut reaction based on my own experiences trying to tell something nobody, absolutely nobody wants to hear.
But I felt nothing but a normal reaction, so I think just resting my mind and distancing myself was the road back to normalcy. I still have not been able to read blogs, so did feel like something happened out of the ordinary. It has not helped for us to be in a heat wave here in Phoenix, a record high 115 yesterday and a 114 today. When we go out in heat like this we all feel a little sick.
I did get upset the next day when I talked to relatives in Utah and told them that I would not be going to Utah again this year, as there was hostility emanating through the phone lines. It never ends. I needed more time to build myself up. Again, I felt the only solution was to go up there for something so positive that would give me such a lift any negative reactions would not ruin my visit after a long trip. I don't know if this can happen but it is a good thing to aim for.
I have felt so strongly about the hostility and danger I experienced in Boulder that I have told some of my kids long ago not to put even a marker in the cemetary up there for me. I have willed my body to science but for $40 they can get the remains in a few ashes after science is done with me, but I want them to toss them out in the saguaro, for I have come to feel they are sentinels, standing guard, and they are built to protect. The saguaro desert is the friendliest place on earth I can imagine my ashes blowing in the wind.