Monday, August 9, 2010

Going it alone while family is preoccupied: the spirits visit!

My sister Ann in Utah has been affected by her son and wife moving the grand kids she has been tending so long to Texas. While she and my own kids have been preoccupied elsewhere the spirits had a chance to make themselves known in order to cheer me up and otherwise make contact in preparation for my own departure to the spirit world. I have received these visits in dreams for years, and I finally decided that they were just what they seemed to be, visits from people who had gone to the hereafter, which meant that I like a certain small percentage of our populace had inherited this gift. I know my mother had it to quite a degree, as she would always get uncomfortable feelings when someone fairly close to her was going to die. For several days she would talk about this bad feeling and when the person close to her would pass, she would say yes, that is who it was. I soon started identifying similar feelings I would get. I would ask questions and could sometimes identify the general age of the person, even where the passing would take place, and how seriously it would affect people.
I tried to understand how this gift worked, but it just was, and I am actually not sure how it does work. Sometimes the visits and warnings would come in the form of dreams as well as feelings. I would be alarmed and would try to identify the person so I could do something about the coming death if possible, but this seemed not to be the purpose of these warnings. Too much was already in motion. There would be little I could do to prevent the passing. The dream would be more to warn me of an upsetting event to come so I would be be better prepared for it. That also seemed to be the purpose of my mother's dreams.
Now my dreams seem to be more to prepare me for departure. Last night I saw the man who had come to visit me very clearly. It was Pierre, my companion who died of lung cancer about seven years ago, pictured in the above photo with me. He looked very good. He said he had just come in from a long trip with another man I believe to have been his brother. We talked quite a long time in the dream, and when I woke up from the dream in the middle of the night when I had to go the bathroom, I continued to have a sense of his presence which was reinforced when I went back to sleep and dreamed about him again, which will often be the case if a spirit has come into my ken. It will usually be quite a long visit as though to make the contact worth while and to try to get a lot said. I always get the impression that it is quite a process to make one of these visits, so they can't happen very often, and the spirit and I both learn to make the most of them. I also asked a lot of questions. He told me that he had realized that my relationship with him was probably the healthiest relationship I had ever had with a man. He would indeed probably qualify as the love of my life. He was strongly attracted to me as I was to him. Our relationship was physical in a more enjoyable way than my other relationships. The physical relationships I had with others were troubled or pretty lacking or even painful, or else they were extremely short lived or non existent as my relationship with Doc is. So I am glad I managed to have one physical relationship in my life that was as enjoyable as mine was with Pierre.
And it was beset with difficulties also including a split in his personality that I would have to term bisexual.
He said that he planned to reconcile with me after I had become angry with some of his activity away from me, but he developed lung cancer instead and died. He said that he had determined he would give up all such outside activities and would try to concentrate on me exclusively until death. Instead I spent a year with him in severe pain trying to help him get pain medication and help. It turned out that his pain was coming from lung cancer that had quickly jumped into his bones and was causing the incredible pain. He had been a heavy smoker and he paid a terrible price for it.
Doc has been a very enjoyable find for me in many ways, but Doc is very strange guy. He had basically given up women for alcohol. He had apparently been headed that way for a long time, so he never ever emphasized the physical with me. It was always the intellectual side of me he wanted to interact with. We became friends and companions but never lovers. The only way he would have been able to cut himself off from the physical like that was to become quite a bad alcoholic, getting drunk virtually every day.
In my dream Pierre was talking about this and noted that this must leave me feeling rather deprived all the time. I said that it did but I was too old now to really do anything about it. I felt that Doc would die that much sooner if I tried to part from him. I saw no other prospects that would make that move worth the pain it might cause, so I was leaving it as it was.
He said he understood. He said his French was very good now that he had reconciled with his younger brother who also had terminal cancer when Pierre was dying. His younger brother still lived in Montreal where French was the main language. His brother was not as comfortable with English as with French. Pierre said that when I came to the other side he would take me to Paris where I have never been.
When I told Doc this he said I will take you to Paris. I said that would not be enjoyable with you drinking all the time, so I would have to decline. It would, in fact, be impossible for him, he is in such a state of sad neglect, with bad teeth, ripe cataracts, and I don't know what all else that might kill him any time.
In fact, I wondered if Pierre was paying this visit to me to prepare me a little more for his death, as I still don't feel unhealthy, and my health habits are far better than Doc's.
When the spirit world opens up and somebody comes through to you, there are usually many reasons for it that you will not altogether understand at the time, but these are visits that can happen to you because of advanced age. Changes are being manifested through dreams.
So I register the existence of a spirit world through the physical means of dreams. I saw Pierre manifest last night in quite a long visit. I resisted any kind of physical attraction because I am uncomfortable with that when one of us is on another plane. I just tried to get the message behind the visit. I felt joy and happiness. I was so glad to see him. He was always a good guy. Not mean. And always a lot of fun, a great lover of life.
He is not as intellectual as Doc, partly because he came lately to the English language so he did not become the reader required for depth. But he was very musical as Doc is. Again Doc's tastes are more advanced. He favors jazz and classical, but Pierre like country music probably because the songs helped him with the English language. He liked pop, too. He tried to sing everything. When he could sing he was happy. Oh I loved to hear him sing in French. He sounded incredibly romantic. He liked to sing in Italian, too. He had also loved to dance before accidents in the construction business rendered him lame.
So I woke up this morning in a good mood, thinking I would be glad to see Pierre again. Doc cannot complain about what Pierre and I had because he had given up on all that. It was the price he paid for alcohol. I helped Pierre sober up from a drunk I thought might kill him. I also helped him through a previous extensive back surgery before the cancer. And was rewarded for it with his love and gratitude. I knew him when he was sober. The first year he was here I never saw him drunk. There is a big difference in a man when he is sober.
This Doc decided was a gift he was never going to give to another woman. His sobriety. Strange. I suspect he was well on his way to becoming an alcoholic to deal with his first big heart break in his first marriage where he lost his kids, too, and was made to doubt whether they were even his. I suppose he was lucky to survive he took it all so hard.
When Pierre's second marriage to a beautiful woman went bad he said because of him and his behavior and problem, he tried to commit suicide and was found barely alive. He spent several weeks in a psych ward. She still left him and took their child, eventually asking him to sign away his rights to her second husband who was wealthy and wanted to adopt their daughter. So he knew heartbreak as well.
But he was able to come out of it better than Doc did, at least for us to have some precious time. His life was also very complex like Doc's, with three previous marriages compared to Doc's four.
So long, Pierre, I will see you again!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good luck with Pierre, but I am certain that no matter the circumstances, Doc will be jealous.


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