Thursday, August 19, 2010

I made a trip to the grocery store and thrift store for supplies and a life alone

I went down to talk to Doc after he started calling this morning and told him I was fine, but I just had to withdraw from seeing him daily as the fear was starting to get to me over what is in store for him if he keeps this up. I have seen too many people who were close to me die of alcoholism. I have seen them have too many near death experiences. I am going to feel it even at more distance, but if I am too close I feel it could pull me into the deep hole, too, along with him. He did make a choice about his drinking years ago, and I chose never to get drunk. Two drinks was my limit as I feared alcoholism was in my genes and it would not take a lot for me to get addicted.
My mother was a foodaholic and our diet was atrocious when we were kids. We ate so much sugar in candy, desserts, jams, jellies, etc. I am surprised we all didn't get sugar diabetes. We were lucky. But three of us got too fat. My sister LaRae became bilimic to keep her weight off and it may have affected her health adversely as she died of cancer when she was 51. A lot of the men especially are overweight in my mother's family. She had a stroke when she was my age, but she was also experiencing stress and doing a lot at the same time for the man she was living with who was also overweight as well as somewhat of a criminal trying to divest her of as much of her money as he could. He was having her cook all kinds of fattening things for him, and she never walked, got enough exercise that way, although she was a tireless housekeeper which is what enabled her to live to nearly 90 I am sure, albeit stroke damaged.
I just feel I have to protect myself now that I am starting to feel my age. I can't be nursing a stubborn drunk who is 6 years younger than I am. He can nurse himself. In fact I have fallen behind in cleaning his bathroom and even washing the dishes which I used to do all the time because I could not stand his slovenly housekeeping. Now I need to use all the energy I have to keep up my own house. He probably got resenting he had to wash my dishes I dirtied, too, but I just could not do that stuff anymore. I did finally get his laundry done. He was waiting patiently for me to do that. So I am leaving at a good time!
I told him that seeing him to get the video camera and using his computer to upload it on would be quite enough. So it isn't as if I will never see him since we own that camera together, and I am more interested in making videos than he is. However, I have not felt like making any lately.
I hardly said anything to him other than state my reasons briefly for using this incident with the loan to break up with him. It wasn't the loan, it was all the insulting things he must have had on his mind and said when I went down there to breakfast and he was drunker than usual, even mentioning something about how I ragged him about his drinking. Well, about the only way I can quit ragging him is stay away. If he gets a little too drunk he can get very insulting. He can't maintain his civility and joking manner which he is known for if he is close to sober. Well, you have seen him on the videos. If he is critical he can do it with wit so it does not sting so badly. If he is drunk, his finesse is gone, and he's the same as any other bad drunk, insufferable.
I am sure my kids will applaud my not throwing more energy his way in my old age. I feel I have aged enough this past year I can't afford the guy any more. And I am going to be mighty cautious from now on about connecting to anyone with an addiction problem, which is just about anybody. I better go it alone from now to the end and concentrate on finishing my memoirs.
I have always helped drunks. Believe me, if I had not helped my dad as I did he would never have lived. I remember telling his older sister that some young woman with kids had nearly died of an overdose. My Aunt said, "Oh, too bad she didn't die. Her kids would be better off!"
I was absolutely shocked. I thought so that is why you never help my dad, you probably think we would be better off if he died! She was so wrong. My dad, like Doc, was a very smart guy. I have been told one teacher said he was the smartest student he ever taught, and I don't doubt it. When he was a kid he must have been a wonder, but he got addicted to alcohol very young. Actually I think it was my reaction to one of his worst near death experiences right at home, drinking a bottle of rub alcohol that got him started on his upward path. After it was all over, I nearly cracked up. I was twelve. That was one reason I quit posting my memoirs. I just did not want to put such a horrible experience with my drunken dad out there for everyone to read.
I felt my dad could finally see what he was doing to his kids, and little by little, he made moves, bought more land and cattle so he'd have more to do, and he shut his drinking down to maybe a bender or so a year which was a far cry from what he had been doing. It was a like a miracle to me. If he had died then, my mother would probably have had to borrow money to bury him. He would have left us in terrible shape.
I did not think my aunt had true religion to say such a thing. Not long after the brother just younger than she was, who had disgraced the family while drunk, was found dead under suspicion of suicide. Was his family of six kids better off? I don't think so. He was not able to provide for them ever again as my dad did for us for 25 more years and left each daughter close to $100,000. I know that trying to help the alcoholic quit drinking is not a bad thing to do. A lot of people have quit drinking because they did get help and support one way or another. I am just saying that 5 years is enough. I can't do it any longer for Doc. This will have to do. So many times, a woman must leave an alcoholic, pass him along to the next woman who will try to help him.
I knew my first husband was not going to quit while married to me, which he badly needed to do, but his second wife got him to quit, go to church, and stay sober for close to 20 years. So I would say she did a good thing. But I do not believe she could have handled his violent drinking when he was young. Because I had experience with my dad, I could. And because I was worn out, I sent him on his way after 10 years.
I do not think anything we do with good intent for others is in vain. It will have its effect, build strength. When a woman treats a man well he is going to remember it. I know that the affection and appreciation I was able to show my dad for the strength he showed helped save his life. He taught me to meet great challenges out on the range, too. He gave me courage on a horse, and I was able to use that courage other ways for years to come.

2 comments: said...

It sounds like you are moving on.
I think you will be less agitated about the drinking. Enjoy your day
(and your pool...I am missing mine).

Have Myelin? said...

I sense a stronger woman being born as you blog...keep on going.


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