Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Pierre returns to keep me comany and talk about the shadow men

I was quite desperate last night for someone to talk to and Pierre returned and said that he would try to be my main spirit guide in the next while, as he had observed my situation and knew that the only person I had to talk to was Doc who by noon is so affected by alcohol I usually leave and stay away the rest of the day. Pierre was ready to talk about the shadow man problem, so I told him to hook up with a woman named Rose who passed at the age of 42 who would be able to take him to find G, a Hispanic man I knew very well on the west side. He was a shadow man but he is the only one I have ever known who told me he was one and talked to me freely about it for the seven years I hung out with him and his friends both white and Mexican in a pool bar. I wrote at least a hundred thousand pages about him. He is the only shadow man or bisexual I have known personally who did not lie to me about it, although he did lie to his wife and kids. That is a given. So I knew right away he was quite an unusual character. He was married as was his main partner who had been with him longer than his wife had. D took his cue from G and talked freely to me too. G was such an unusual bold talker that people would come from all over to hear what he had to say. He was very attractive and intelligent, but he was a bad alcoholic. He did not of course tell his wife what he was in order to protect their children I thought, and his wide circle of friends respected his decision. His wife who was quite a bit younger than he was did not speak the English language well. She was quite light as she had had a white parent in Mexico as well as a Mexican one, but none of them spoke English. I also came to know her brother quite well who I think knew G's secrets, but again as in white society he did not say anything he knew would make his brother-in-law angry.
D, his older handsome partner, told me that he had become a bisexual while he was locked up in a juvenile jail facility for several years. He still had married several times and had seven children. Occasionally one of his sons would stop in the bar to speak to him and his wife would also come in occasionally. Everyone would be on guard when she came in, trying to make sure that nothing was said to upset her or reveal anything to her she did not know. She was a white woman. D. was very personable and she obviously loved him very much, but I knew D to be a very jealous man which is how I think he came to hang on to his relationship with G all those years. I thought G meant more to him than anyone and that their relationship would probably last until the death of one or the other. Both wives thought of the other man as their husband's best friend and acted like they liked them very much and trusted them to look out for the family's best interests.
D was older than G and was experiencing some bad bouts with his health when I knew him at least 25 years ago, so he is undoubtedly dead. G was quite a bit younger than D and me, so my guess is that he is still alive. I told Pierre that in any case this young woman would lead him to G and he could observe how he talks to his friends or if he had passed he could talk to him. I thought he could find out a lot about how G was able to talk about his bisexuality in probably the most open and frank manner as I say of any bisexual I ever ran into.
When a man is lying to you with conviction it is hard to find out very much about that side of his life. Pierre did lie to me with conviction but I played pool with him for a year and saw enough to convince me that he was not telling the truth. I decided before he and I ever launched off into a steady relationship I would have to tell him my suspicions. He had already told me that his wife was a secret lesbian and he had had to put up with many affairs, so I said, well, I think you were going with men while she was going with women. He huffed and puffed and denied it and got so angry I left, but I didn't take it back, so in a few days he asked me to return. I would say he was incapable of admitting I had been right in my assessment, so I didn't press him to admit it, but I knew that would lead to trouble, and it did. I warned him if I saw any activity going on between him and another man that I thought was sexual in nature at all, I would terminate the relationship.
I had already moved out when he contrived to miss the bus on a trip to a casino some miles away so he could stay all night with a man I thought he was seeing during his marriage. His then wife divorced him while she was manager and then she was fired. She had to leave the state while he stayed behind in the HUD complex apartment she had moved him into. He petitioned the manager to be allowed to keep on living there, and since they were divorced she agreed he could stay there. This is where I came in. We had only been together a short time when he proposed this trip to the casino with this man.
Pierre apologized for missing the bus and staying all night to the casino with this other man. He claimed they just walked around all night but I didn't believe a word he said. He had done the same thing when he was married to the other woman. I was all but moved out when he came home the next afternoon.
When I suspect my partner of infidelity with either another woman or man I can not stand it. I told Pierre my early history and said that I would never put up with that kind of behavior. We were happy for two years and then he got restless and decided to respond to his card playing friends' calls from another complex. I told him that was trouble as far as I was concerned, too connected to shadow men activity, and if he insisted on doing it, I would eventually split with him. I finally got a glimpse of one of the men he was playing cards with behind closed doors and told him that was it, we were through. This was a handsome man and I did not trust Pierre with such men.
He accepted the split, but he was already experiencing the severe pain of advanced lung cancer, so we had not been able to address any of the problems in our relationship again, because he was now fighting terminal cancer.
I was surprised to have Pierre show up last night and say he was ready to work on this problem. He said he thought I could help him a lot with it, that his brother was already helping him. He had not been ready here to admit it or do anything more about it.
So I had dreams all the rest of the night about what I knew of his past. He had gone to work when he was 8 years old. Yes, he quit school and started to work to a grocery store where he stocked shelves and delivered groceries on his bicycle. He told me that his family was starving, and that is why he insisted on doing it. They needed every penny he could earn. He said that when he delivered groceries he earned tips. I thought of how dangerous it was for an 8 year old to be knocking on doors and delivering groceries to whoever. I figured this was probably where he first encountered a pedofile and may have discovered that if he was asked to do certain things and complied he could earn more money. He would always brush over this part of his history. Later, he got a job in a billiards parlor racking pool balls when he was twelve. Here was another place I figured a twelve year old could have encountered dangerous men that he might try to exploit for money. He was very attractive, so I was sure he could have found connections.
He told me of times when he and his sisters and brother were practically starving. They literally did not have enough to eat. It is such a sad story that I can't stand to go into it any more deeply today, but it was a horror. His mother became ill and nearly died and his father eventually became a derelict on the streets, a bad drunk. He said that he heard he died on the street. Welfare was not adequate. One of his sisters told me that she also went to work when she was about 14, as soon as she could get a job, working for other people. But Pierre was the only one who went to work 8 hours a day when he was 8. This was up in Canada.
Pierre along with his older sister and her husband migrated to the US when he was around 18. He never became a citizen but relied on his green card to keep him here, but he acted like he was always afraid he might break the law some way and would get deported despite his long work record. He worked hard to eliminate his accent and was so successful you could hardly tell he was not a native American. His sister on the other hand never learned the language. Pierre eventually became the interpreter for the family members who were having a tougher time learning the language than he did.
I was glad to hear that Pierre was now working on some of the trouble that had driven us apart the third year of our relationship. He always acted so grateful for the fact that I stayed and helped him to fight the cancer that gradually consumed him, I am not surprised he is keeping track of me and wants to do something to help me, whatever I ask.
He said he is sorry that Doc is so addicted, but he knows there is nothing he nor I can do about that. He is what he is. Pierre said that he will help me every way he can until death. And then he will be there to help welcome me to the hereafter.
I became a little alarmed and said, "Don't you think I am going to live very long?"
He said, "You have a job to do. You have to write your memoirs, so I don't want you to even think of dying until you get that done."
I agreed that I needed to get that done no matter what. And I hoped that I had saved up enough strength to do it. So that was the gist of last night's events. Make of it what you will.
Now I must go to the pizza parlor as I promised Doc I would go and buy a pizza lunch with the credit card he gave me. He will never do it himself, but every once in a while I will go for us.

1 comment:

Connie said...

well in that case I hope you never get your memoirs finshed...completely...


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