PLAYWRIGHT: I can't believe we are going to go another round.
2ND ACTOR: I know I have never acted before, but I am willing to try anything if it will help me to make still another comeback. I am so sick of Doc being your only actor.
PLAYWRIGHT: Oh, he's only my 3rd actor. His status has fallen due to his constant inebriation.
2ND ACTOR: Oh, I didn't know that. You mean he will present no problems if I act in this scene with you?
PLAYWRIGHT: Not at all. Why should he?
2ND ACTOR: Who is the first actor? I didn't know you had another one lined up.
PLAYWRIGHT: He was a professional actor, but Phoenix is such a primitive place I was afraid he would find it very inhospitable if he ever came out here. He was used to a great deal more stimulation than this sleepy slow city could provide. When he was a professional actor that is.
2ND ACTOR: You mean I have nothing to fear from him?
PLAYWRIGHT: No, he does not even like Facebook. So how could he like Phoenix?
2ND ACTOR: Facebook? Oh yes, I have heard of it. I do confess I go to the library now and then and take a peak at your blog. I want to see if you have posted my photo in there lately.
PLAYWRIGHT: Not since you dropped out of sight. I was afraid you had gone to the great hereafter.
2ND ACTOR: I have rethought suicide. I think I better go into rehab for the 14th time and try to lick this thing once and for all.
PLAYWRIGHT: You mean drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes?
2ND ACTOR: Cigarettes, too. I know there is lung cancer. But first I will try to kick drugs and alcohol since they have incapacitated me the worst. Then I might try to quit smoking. You know I am very good at quitting terrible addictions when I set my mind to it. I have come back from the dead any number of times.
PLAYWRIGHT: I am interested as to why you think you have got one more try left in you.
2ND ACTOR: I have received the news that my former love has found a new love.
PLAYWRIGHT: Is that good news? You seem to be taking it very well.
2ND ACTOR: We weren't making it so obviously I wish her all the joy and happiness in the world.
PLAYWRIGHT: Hmm, kind of you.
2ND ACTOR: Are you sure Doc isn't going to mind if I play a scene with you?
PLAYWRIGHT: No, he will be drinking. He never quits. You can rely on it.
2ND ACTOR: He hasn't hit rock bottom like I have. I have hit rock bottom so many times, well, it is why I am able to quit. Quit or die. I mean it.
PLAYWRIGHT: I have no doubt you do mean it. Well, what kind of scene did you have in mind.
2ND ACTOR: A love scene of course. I thought we could meet on a park bench.
PLAYWRIGHT: Are you sure you are up to a love scene?
2ND ACTOR: Why not. God knows I have thought about acting out a love scene often enough.
PLAYWRIGHT: Well, do you have someone in mind you want to play the scene with? Maybe we can find an actress for you.
2ND ACTOR: Heavens, where are your glasses? I thought you looked different.
PLAYWRIGHT: I had cataract surgery. Now I don't wear glasses for the first time since I was in the 5th grade. Now I am trying to lose weight. I am still quite plump. We can find you a slim actress if you like.
2ND ACTOR: I thought you were once in love with me. You mean you have gotten over me?
PLAYWRIGHT: It's just that I am so surprised you are still alive. I will look for my love for you. It must be here somewhere.
2ND ACTOR. I know you don't trust me. You once told me I was a serial flirt.
PLAYWRIGHT: If I can possibly revive my love for you one more time what then?
2ND ACTOR: Look we are alone. No women about stalking me. They have all given up on me.
PLAYWRIGHT: For the moment.
2ND ACTOR: That Doc is a handsome dog. It is too bad he has never found you worth giving up the booze for.
PLAYWRIGHT: I told you he never would. He is totally committed to suicide. You know he has severe periodontal disease from totally neglecting his teeth for 15 years. He does not even brush.
2ND ACTOR: But doesn't periodontal disease take quite a while to kill a person. I have not heard of too many people dying of it.
PLAYWRIGHT: Doc is a careful drinker. He stays just this side of crisis. Now when you drink, you have to go to the hospital every other day. It is the difference between men.
2ND ACTOR: I like to live dangerously. That is probably why I am going to sober up and stage this love scene with you.
PLAYWRIGHT: But I am 78 years old. I have retired my uterus.
2ND ACTOR: Women have told me that before but I paid no attention and soon they weren't protecting their uterus any more at all.
PLAYWRIGHT: That is the nature of women. But heavens, I am a little surprised to have you make a bid to play a part in my play now after all these years.
2ND ACTOR: I just had to make up my mind to try out. That Doc, he is a big show off. He is not afraid of the big stage is he?
PLAYWRIGHT: Yes, he would rather act a scene of love than make love. He is the great pretender.
2ND ACTOR: This won't be pretending. I am enjoying myself immensely. I could go n forever, acting like this.
PLAYWRIGHT: I am getting a little tired. We are going to have to end this scene sometime.
2ND ACTOR: I am going to give Doc a run for the money. I think I could act circles around him if I sobered up. I can feel a great stirring. I believe I could even still get it up!
PLAYWRIGHT: We will see. These are only the tryouts. I don't know who is going to get the big part. Maybe that actor has not showed up yet. But you have quite surprised me.
2ND ACTOR: I need some more rehab, but don't worry I have been to rehab so many times it is a cinch for me. I have got it down pat. I will soon be in good enough shape to out act all the actors.
PLAYWRIGHT: That will be unbelievable. A miracle.
2ND ACTOR: I am miracle man. Now I just need one more miracle. Don't give up on me!
PLAYWRIGHT: Bye now. It has been quite invigorating to see you again, I must say.
2ND ACTOR: Tell old Doc I am coming on strong. He better watch out. My eye is on the prize. If I sober up, taking you will be just like taking candy away from the baby. It will serve old Doc right for staying drunk ever since I knew him.
PLAYWRIGHT: It would serve him right, but I did not think there was a man who could do it. I have always been too much for any man. For real. You, too.
2ND ACTOR: No, the way was not clear for me to do anything. I was always in chains when you knew me. I was not free. Now I am free. My last chain has found a new love. Now he is the one in chains and I am doing a happy dance because at last after so many years I am free. And at last I know how to value my freedom. God knows I have paid a high enough price for it.
PLAYWRIGHT: I cannot be chained to a drunk man. I can break that chain like it was made of mud.
2ND ACTOR: A chain to the heart is the only one that lasts. You always valued me when I was sober. But I was not quite sober enough. Drunk men break hearts. I always knew if I sobered up I would have your heart. But I didn't want it enough. Now I do.
PLAYWRIGHT: Naw, I can't believe that.
2ND ACTOR: You know my heart. I had your heart all the time I was sober.
PLAYWRIGHT: I was waiting for you to come and claim me. You never did.
2ND ACTOR: I was chained to other women. I was not free. Then I thought Doc was your love.
PLAYWRIGHT: He never sobered up. So he was never able to take me from you. The sober man always had my heart.
2ND ACTOR: A lot of women want a sober love. I waded through a lot of women who thought they loved me. Prettier women than you, I might say. I thought I could have anybody I wanted, but of all the ones I could have picked I took one who did not value me. Did not value my sobriety, because she thought she could find an even soberer man than me. How much soberer than sober can you get?
PLAYWRIGHT: You could have tried any woman's love. You sure tried mine.
2ND ACTOR: You mourned for me when I fell. I could feel your pain.
PLAYWRIGHT: The world is too full of drunks. I mourned when you finally gave up your precious sobriety and went back to drinking.
2ND ACTOR: I knew I was afraid to be all I could be. I thought I made a better drunk. But the other shoe fell. I have no reason to stay drunk anymore. I can't think of a single one. Better late than never. Even if I die I will get clean and sober. It is the last thing on earth I want to do. If I live through it, you will see me again. I will again have the magnet within that draws you to me. By that, you will know I have drunk myself sane again. I can't stand to drink anymore. I am done.
PLAYWRIGHT: Sounds like a prayer. Good night, my friend. May God be with you.
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