I was left unsatisfied so decided I had to write another blog entry

I went down and laundered the bathmat for Doc who was trying to clean up his stopped up and overflowing bathroom sink mess, but it has been partially stopped up for months, and now it is finally flowing freely. I came home to roast some ribs and vegetables while he goes to the store. Such is our life.
What I had in mind was nothing less than talking about how the existence of God can be proved as well as the reality of Christ. I began to consult my creator every day to see what direction would be best to take that day, what job needed to be done in this world that I might be able to do and so on. I always thought of God as what I have come to think of as universal consciousness of wisdom that has been gathered through the ages and can manifest at times when it is needed in a sense of being. Christ I think was a real person who can intervene in our lives just like many angels can by virtue of having great power due to his name being bandied about down through the centuries of Christian belief, sometimes not for good as in the harsh inquisitions and witch burnings of yesteryear. I am sure the real Christ suffered great pain when evil was done in his name. We have to be able to judge whether an action is good or bad and must certainly question it if it is harsh and could be said to be of a violent nature.
I do not think this goes against most people's sense of reality as many would agree that some great human beings seem to collect more wisdom and ability to do great and noble deeds as well as think very profound thoughts. And these people add to our knowledge of what man can accomplish.
As far a spirit inhabiting and leaving our bodies at death, I think this belief has been manifested in many cultures down through the ages as well as the spirit of skepticism that scorned such beliefs as unrealistic and wishful thinking. I have tried to influence some skeptics that were not willing to take one step toward 'belief' that was needed in order to entertain this idea. They just wouldn't do it.
Well, what happens is that human beings continue to be born and die and that in its self seems some kind of miracle. I feel very much alive and have always balked at the idea that with death I would just cease completely to be. How could I suddenly be so alive as in birth and then just as suddenly be totally dead?
I have deduced that this is just not a logical happening and that there has to be some things going on that we don't exactly see. It seems logical that we would need a place to go and think about what had just transpired in this life we lived as there seems to be so many loose ends and questions still to be answered, so the logical thing to me would be to have a spirit residing within which would once freed of the body could expand into some other form more like air.
You know for years I had the most resentment of my body which I thought was so slow in getting places especially. We would get in the car and ride for miles and miles to get some little place, and I would think why do bodies have to go so slow, when there must be some way, if by thought process to get to that place in the twinkling of an eye. I started reading about teleporting which was that very thing, leaving the body and transporting to another place in spirit form, much faster even than a plane could go, almost in an instant. So teleporting was something that some people seemed to be able to do. Uri Geller I remember wrote quite a lot about teleporting and claimed to be able to do it. I thought ah, that is what I am looking for. A way to get there fast.
Most of the mediums I have read talk about the spirits being able to travel as fast as their thoughts. I also read mention of the spirit possibly existing in our minds, memories, of that person which kept the people alive, and so am thinking that heaven might be a work of our own imaginations, and the imaginations of centuries of human beings that could exist as kind of a collaboration of what they thought was needed and had created in their own minds.
For I am sure that other people have thought before me that we need to gather after death and talk about what happened on earth, what people did, mistakes that were made, and see if some conclusions could be drawn about what to do better in another life. The last medium I read said that in her experience spirits stay in the realm of 'heaven' until all who related to them on earth have come to see them and reunite, and then after that they might seek a piggy back ride back into life via a new baby maybe even born to one of their own descendants. This baby might come out acting a lot like great grandpa which would not be uncommon.
It might be that the 'divine' component of every child is a spirit entity, so that the baby does not quicken to life until this spirit entity is in place and ready for the ride, that this has been done since man came into being so it all goes smoothly and seems very natural. Then when the life of the body can no longer be sustained the spirit is ready to depart until another journey back to earth is made. Which in some cases might be a very long time. Some spirits might have jobs to do that keep them busy in 'spirit' realms and don't think of reincarnating as part of their plan.
We all know that man will only sustain so much pain until the body dies. The body is not designed to endure eternal pain. It dies, and I think it would be logical for the spirit to want this release eventually when the body had become useless in some part and was simply too much trouble or impossible to keep going.
Now the spirit could in other realms start to think that something was needed and that would be when another journey back to earth might be planned, hazardous to be sure but worth the risk in order to learn something new, try something very difficult and so on.
I know as a child I would think oh what a difficult life I have but I would always feel that I had picked this life, this mission, for a reason. I planned to come down and try to do something about a problem. I know that alcoholism has plagued man for centuries, and since I seemed to have conquered the need to drink myself, I think that I would come back down among drinkers to keep trying to figure out what could be done to help these poor souls who would get addicted and then spend their lives causing themselves and the other people in their lives misery and pain. People have been doing this for centuries and we still don't seem to have made a lot of headway in keeping people from getting addicted to it. So it looks like man learns slowly. And we are still an experiment. We are still trying to find out what traits we need to develop so that some of us won't become addicted to the same old thing alcohol. Also drugs that come from the poppies and such have existed for centuries and enslaved people, so we are still still trying to figure out how to keep numbers in our society from becoming addicted to those.
I know there are a lot of alcoholics in my family who have passed, so I expect to go hear what they have concluded from their struggles with alcohol addiction. My mother came from a family that had very few alcoholics in it, but were rather foodoholics and developed the diseases those people are pray to which is what my problem is.
I often feel as comfortable talking to spirits as I do to living people because naturally after they have thought everything over that happened they are apt to be easier to reason with. I am also preparing to leave my body and live in the spirit form for a while, so I am taking lessons in how to do it and be comfortable. I see people in here every day dying and getting ready to leave. Yet my spirit still seems as strong in my aging body as it ever was, seeming to be made of more durable material than my knees which are getting very stiff. I can write and think with such energy the young have trouble keeping up with me, an energy I expect to have until departure by not letting depressing thoughts enter my head, but instead looking about for my connections.
Doc gets very depressed with his philosophy of life. He does not visualize his parents in the spirit world thinking about his alcoholism. Or his brother who died young trying to get some message through to him that there is more to life than he thinks. My imagination sustains me and keeps me thinking about something that will uplift me. Doc claims he heard all this talk in his church for many years and he is highly allergic to it. I think he was probably turning a deaf ear to it when very young. He loved music and was probably thinking he would go hang out with the jazz musicians and what this involved was drinking with them. So pretty soon he was inhabiting these places of music in St. Louis and was developing a terrible addiction to alcohol.
The tightly knit Lutheran community where he was raised hardly even recognized a big alcohol problem rearing its head for one of their brightest and most talented. Doc learned to play the piano and they were all suspicious of the arts, so they could only see a business career for him in the future. Had he been Jewish they would probably have recognized he had a great talent for show biz. He was fascinated with it, was a natural born actor, was good looking, could sing, but no he was not okayed to head in that direction by his Lutheran family. They acted like the Arts did not even exist. Well, Mormons are a lot like that in that they don't visualize a playwright's career or one on Broadway for any of their young women. They will take care of all their needs right there in Mormon Utah within the bosom of the church.
So Doc's community was probably a throwback to old Lutheran times in Germany where many of them had migrated from fairly recently. He got caught in a time warp, and i had chosen to come down among the Mormons who were stifling all the young intellectuals born to them like me in Mormon Utah where reading too many books was looked on with suspicion.
I was going to have a tough time being an intellectual with a deep interest in theater which I thought that I was most suited to be, and so was Doc. I could not have found anyone more congenial to my interests with a great sense of humor always willing to laugh at himself as well as at others. But alas, snared very young in alcoholism.
Often you do not persuade any alcoholic to quit. You just do what you can and when you can't stand what it is doing to them anymore you move on, if they don't die first. Doc's alcoholism fits him like an old glove. He is very comfortable with it. But I am always aware of what he is giving up, of his sanity and mind power. Because my mother's brothers did not drink, so I always had them to compare with the drinkers, so did not lose sight of what was possible for a sober man to accomplish.
My mother finally got to a man who did not drink who had been able to manage a career singing for quite a long time. But alas, he had been molested by his music teacher and in adulthood he repeated the pattern. He just could not leave children alone. His addiction had ruined his career. It also ruined his relationship with all of us and finally with my mother who was forced to see through his denials and recognize that he was a criminal even though he never drank at all. She just could not believe that there could be anything seriously wrong with a man who did not drink. There were some problems like this in her family that probably came about the same way through early influence as children.
So one of my other issues also became child molestation and influence which results in a splitting of the sexual nature, allowing homosexuality to become the primary one. And of course homosexuality is not accepted as the norm in our society probably because it isn't the norm and may be largely brought about through those who prey on the young. For years the idea that gays are born that way has stopped our society from recognizing that many gays may be developed through molestation after birth. Gays do not like to think this could be the case, because it makes life even more difficult for those who are victimized in the beginning. I think my dad was probably one of those. I doubt he was born gay as I know some seem to be. I think he was living in a society where molestation and introducing sexual activities among males, especially those who tampered with alcohol was epidemic. I thought it was epidemic when I was young, as something of this sort was happening to all my male cousins who tampered with alcohol.
Mormons were uncomfortable with the very term homosexual and tried to ignore it for the most part. With polygamy they tended to go the other way, many of the men, who the church had conveniently accommodated with polygamy, and Mormons were never willing to admit that the existence of the lost boys who did not get the wives the more powerful men married gave rise to more homosexuality. The more intellectual of their progeny like me would point out such stuff and risked their very lives to do so. I was incarcerated trying to surface some of this stuff in that society, so what does that tell you?
I noted that at the University professors could be gay but were forced to hide it completely. Mormons would get them fired if they came out anywhere. Marriage of course was the safest way for a bisexual man to go. Mormons tended not to notice if a man was gay as long as a wife didn't. Wives of bisexuals tended to be more accepting than normal because their ancestors had been more accepting of polygamy than normal.
Big problems in Utah so I figured I decided that is where I needed to be born, so I was. I spent my early years trying to get Utah more up to snuff instead of reverting back to some dark age. Utah is the only state in the union in which a church is so dominating, and that has had some bad results in that some of the most illogical ideas in Mormonism are still accepted because Mormons won't accept change. There are too many of them in Utah. They don't have to. So they don't.
I finally had to move out to a more free state like Arizona with much of the same terrain where I grew up, the Colorado river plateau country. But I continue to criticize from afar. I earned my right to criticize from living there as many years as I did. I just couldn't imagine myself anywhere else. That was home.
Leaving home is another big adjustment. Going into exile and all that that entails. I was driven out of Utah by people who refuse to change, but it is not personal, it just happens because there are too many people still thinking alike. I could see it was going to take a very long time for Utah to become less of a Mormon state. Brigham Young's vision about having a Mormon state was actually the goal, and people who did not go along were invited to move on. Conform or get out!
He never did believe that might not be a good thing but what do you expect from a man who married 26 women and probably did not even know all his own kids. The story goes he asked one young man who his father was and he said, "You, sir!"