Thursday, May 7, 2009

Farmers Market Sunflower glory and what else is going on in my life?

I did enjoy this glorious bouquet at the Farmers Market Wednesday afternoon. I bought a heirloom tomato at $4.50 a pound to try and two tamales for supper which came to $5.30. After eating them I decided the heirloom was not a tomato I like enough to pay the price, so will go back to the clusters on the vine I usually get for $2.50 a pound. They remind me the most of the highly flavorful Utah tomatoes of my youth I can only dream about now as they are not to be had anywhere like those were. We used to sautee onions in butter and then cut up ripe tomatoes we had scalded for a few moments so we could take off the skin, and to my mind, there was no better supper.
I have reached a new milestone in my life the last few days. After a rough winter and pretty severe chronic fatigue symptoms I have decided to give up any thought of a 'full' relationship, in fact, I am going to try not to to even think about sex. I was ready to consider doing this sometime ago, but my body told me it was not ready. Now it is.
I think it was the meltdown of the man trying to kill himself that was the final deciding factor. This man has always had spark for me because he was sober, having fought his way back from another debilitating period of bingeing some years ago. But my last full blown relationship was such a strain that I gave it up sometime before that man developed lung cancer. I think now this was actually my swan song, my good-bye to sex.
Doc has been my refuge, which he has often claimed to be. I felt safe to develop a relationship with him just because he was an alcoholic who was too impaired for sex. With a disability like mine sex has been as risky as dancing. I had to give up dancing some years ago, after my last bad bout with chronic fatigue. I hung on to walking. You could control that. Although I have walked somewhere and had to sit down midway and wait for strength to go on.
So when do you give up sex for good? When you get scared it might kill you, that is when. So now I am only up for talking. Even my telepathic communications will be about talking. I am excited about that. For a long time sex has seemed to be kind of a useless thought, once very important in the process of having a family, but now seeming somewhat extraneous if only the body would decide to let go of that appetite. My passions have always been so strong unfortunately, for food, sex, anything else of an enjoyable nature, they have often been in danger of killing me before I could get them under control.
Ah, but now Doc has to be careful about the men I will be thinking about talking to! There are better talkers than he is, sober ones! He is already some nervous already about what this change in me has wrought. Yes, I will be lying awake imagining these fascinating discussions between me and other men. Instead of thinking about making love, I will be thinking about talking, talking, talking.
I am so excited. I feel I have been freed from my chain. I have moved on. Not always being tripped up by my body, but now more free to let my mind soar!


Sugar said...

beautiful sunflower picture! feels like i could reach out & touch the petals.
giving up "sex thoughts" or the "sex act"? either, can be hard for many people, at any age, in any condition.
i gave up the "act" many yrs ago, but still held on to the "thoughts" till the last few yrs.
have a lovely day, my friend.

Ann said...

Love the sunflowers! Love the sex too...if I could get any...

Amrita said...

Love the sunny sunflowers.

I would have given you tomatoes from my patch.We have plenty. I make puree and ketchup and bottle it.

Pamela said...

The sunflowers are gorgeous! I think talking is more enjoyable for the long term, to be honest. I love sex, don't get me wrong. But, I've spent many hours engrossed in such wonderful conversation that it was BETTER than sex.
Hope you are able to find a good friend to talk to.

DB said...

As Norman Mailer said "There is no such thing as safe sex, there never will be." Due partly to the trouble I kept getting myself into, I gave up sex many years ago and it has enabled me to relate to women in a more confortable way. The problem is that some women don't believe me. The get insulted because they think I am critical of them personally. If you're a man you can't win. DB


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