Saturday, May 23, 2009

Visits from Marlon Brando and Father signal the end is near perhaps?

I had the most vivid dream about my dad. I dreamed he knocked on the door and when I opened it I could not get over the fact that he appeared as his normal self in every way. I touched his shirt and said, "I can't get over how well I am seeing you!" And all the time I was thinking fast, what does this mean? He said something about some gifts he was getting us for Xmas. I thought I said oh, anything is all right.
What is more just before that dream I had a long involved one where Marlon Brando turned up I think in someone else's apartment, but I was there talking to him, trying to make an impression on him in regard to my plays. He was not overweight, more like his old self but I thought he had been hit by a car. Since James Dean was killed in a car wreck and became a good spirit friend of mine, this could have been him as well as Brando.

Brando who had such a sexy body I thought felt inclined to hide himself in weight as I started doing while very young, eating comfort food. I was extremely traumatized by adults chasing me around as a child as though I attracted them sexually.
So I rushed down to Doc's this morning to upload another video since I don't know how long I have got left on the earth and need to get everything done. Then I went to the Farmer's Market but not before having Doc take a photo of me in my new white hat and black and white skirt. I have so much white now I needed a new hat, but could not find one for a cheap price in the thrift store. I bought this one which is cloth in a hat store paying $30 for it, but it is very light and will be well worth it as I need to get as much use out of this outfit as I can before I go, so buying it won't have been a waste.
Once more, I felt I needed to dress up my body rather than to feed it. I try to motivate myself to stay thin which may give me a few more days or weeks of life. I also got a $10 haircut from someone in the building for summer. I told her not to cut it too short, but she still did, but it will grow. So now I am ready ready for summer.
I told Doc this morning that since he won't quit drinking, I will probably have to leave the earth just to get away from him. I like him in the morning but have to spend lonely afternoons and evenings when he is lost to me in his drinking. He is only a part time companion.
I feel it would be about impossible for me to find a better one since he is the most entertaining male companion I have ever found, the most in tune with my interests. He enjoys all the acting we do, but just not enough to sober up completely for it.
My disability which causes extreme weakness at times is dangerous when you are old. You do not think it would take much to carry you off, but I am ready, have been getting ready for some time. I just have to tie up all the loose ends.
My disability has kept me from participating in life as fully as I should have been able to do had I remained well, but I was willing to take whatever life I could have, which all disabled people must decide to do. You adjust to your limitations and eventually the rest of the world starts to catch up with you as they develop their own health problems, and pretty soon you are pretty much on a level playing field. But Daddy called almost as though to tap me on the shoulder and say, "Not long now." So I must take heed. Let's see, how do I prepare some more and pack for this journey. Any ideas?


Paula said...

No, no ideas because you shocked me. You look as if you are good for this old world a long time yet. As the saying goes you can't tell a book by it's cover. Just think positive you know we would miss you Gerry.

Amrita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amrita said...

I made some typing errors so I cancelled that comment.

I like your outfit, specially the slippers. These kind are very popular in India, they are cool in the summer.

I like white or light colored footwear.

My parents loved Marlon Brando movies

Ann said...

Your new white hat is stunning! You have quite the outfit now with your new skirt. Lovely...
I can't think what your vivid dreams might mean except the other side is coming closer for some reason...maybe not for you right now, but a reaching out in some strong way. You'll probably know soon just what is happening.

Pamela said...

You better not go anywhere for a long time! I'd miss you.


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