Sunday, November 28, 2010

Follow up on yesterday's blog before I go to the movies

I feel enough zest to take a walk to the nearest movie theater complex. I think I will see Faster, a new thriller that is out, starring Billy Bob Thornton. It got 5 stars. I will see if I think it deserves them.
After I finished writing about my near murder, I saw on the internet that a beautiful University student from back east had gone home to her parents' house for the holiday and a boyfriend she was trying to break up with killed her, right in her parents' home and tried to hide her body. This happens all too often anywhere in the United States, and I think that women are traditionally expected to hide the violence they have endured from husbands and BFs, so as to make men look good (better than they deserve). Having worried about someone's possible murder my whole life, mostly my own, I am not willing to continue those cover-ups.
I had to work very hard not to be killed during the ten years of my first marriage, and I sacrificed my own safety not to tell my mother about all that was involved in my being molested at 5 for fear she would be murdered. My father did not molest me but he was enough involved that I thought he would kill somebody in his own defensive reaction to the truth.
I saw him act in a threatening manner toward my mother many times during their 35 year marriage. I knew he was stronger than she was, and if it came to a pitched fight he was apt to win it. Heck, he was absolutely ruthless at times in trying to kill himself. I am sure he drank a bottle of rubbing alcohol trying to kill himself not just once but twice during his drinking years! He did threaten to kill himself enough times when I was about 4 that my mother finally told him to take his gun and go out in the orchard and shoot himself where the blood could flow on the ground. For God's sakes, she said, do it! She was tired of hearing about it. I think that was over her falling in love with a handsome young guy she hired to help her make cheese in the cheese factory she and my father had leased. My father continued to manage his father's ranch and wouldn't help her.
I am sure that many such dramas play out all over the United States especially when drinking and drugging is involved. That is one reason I study True Crime, just because so many women are murdered. I felt it was necessary to be extremely careful how I handled my volatile first husband or I would not make it out of that marriage alive. My second husband acted just about as crazy when he was drinking. He would say threatening things, but did not actually lay hands on me to murder me. He once threatened to hit me in the stomach to kill the baby I was carrying, so I told him to leave and I would raise this baby. He did and I did. He caused me so much stress when he was around I did not miss him.
I just did not know what it would take to get along with him, and I was not willing to try to find out. He did ask me to buy him an 18 wheeler with money I had inherited from my father. I turned him down. I told him that I did not like his behavior and expected to have to raise our two kids myself, so I would need my father's inheritance.
Often times people justify not helping young women in trouble with violent BFs by saying and thinking they have brought it on themselves, but the fact is a certain percentage of young men are apt to be violent, apt to abuse substances, and become dangerous. Girlfriends used to complain to me that my oldest son was violent when he drank too much. There was nothing I could do about that, once he had gone on his own and chose to drink. I have always said as much to him as I thought I could, which so far has not caused him to quit drinking. One thing I didn't do is get mad when they complained, and take my son's part. I knew all too well what arguments combined with drinking could cause.
So I just don't think I am going out of my way to talk about unpleasant topics. I have been too affected by violence in my life just to forget about it. I do think these people that occupy their minds with what new gaffe Sarah Palin has committed in her ignorance about history should think about some real crimes for a change, or even about the violence of legalized abortion which liberals still can't seem to see as wrong. I abhor violence of any kind. And I find young intellectual women defending the need for legalized abortion a little unsettling.
I will tell you what I did to my violent first husband after he had nearly murdered me when I was pregnant with my first baby. I told him that I would live with him so he could know his son (also because I did not think I was strong enough then to support him by myself) but I would not allow penetration any more when it came to sex. I was so fragile by then I knew I could not risk having another child right away.
I considered myself nearly to have been murdered in the psych ward when I was 20. Violent husbands aren't the only ones who may end up killing you. I told the psychiatrists that they should not give me electric shock because I had something wrong with me and it might kill me, but they just could not give up the idea of shocking every woman that got incarcerated. I eventually froze from the stress and nearly died, before they could give it to me. I kid you not. I had seen so many scenes of violence by then, I just could not take any more, my body couldn't. Between my dad, other men like him, the molesters, and violent psychiatrists, I was done.
So when I married my first husband I was more fragile than most women, but I did not believe in abortion. I did not believe in violence! My ex husband may have wanted to kill me for it, but sex with no penetration were the terms I laid down when staying with him, after our first son was born. No penetration! My violent dad said when he heard about my method of birth control that it was no wonder I got beat up! Implying he would have beat a wife up too if she had cut him off like that.
I knew that my mother aborted her third child rather than cut him off from no penetration, but I was quite fearless in insisting that my husband abide by this rule. I didn't care if he killed me. I was not going to have a baby when I knew I could not take care of it, and I was not going to abort one either. So my husband never did violate this rule when I said no. In fact, he even acted relieved that we didn't immediately have another baby brought about by his recklessness. He knew he was suicidal and in no shape to be having a second child to take care of, either.
So I say to these women who insist that 'choice' is here to stay and that it is an 'honorable' way out of a pregnancy women can't afford, "Bosh!"
There are ways to keep from having children that are really honorable. Death to the child is not 'honorable'. I would have gone to a nunnery if necessary. Women did go to nunneries to keep from having children they could not take care of. They fled husbands who would have killed them with child birth. This is why nunneries flourished.
For God's sakes, if you can't take care of the children, don't keep having high risk sex and killing the kids. I think that is a lot worse than mistaking North Korea for South Korea. This defense of legalized abortion is to me a great deal more offensive than anything Sarah Palin has ever said or ever will say.
Legalized abortion flourished in communist countries, which may be one reason that socialism has come to have a bad name. But some people now stubbornly cling to the idea that there is nothing wrong with killing as long as it is 'legal'.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

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