Thursday, March 26, 2009

I am thinking how difficult it is...

sometimes to express what you think. Doc, my partner in creativity, is calm. I left his apartment early and was gone all day. My thoughts were elsewhere all night. But Doc is my friend. He will understand. He might be a little grumpy but I have told him so many times he does not have my heart. So my heart just wanders all over the place at times looking for a home.
Doc is interested in being a star, and he certainly acts like one in this last play reading series we made. He has great talent and he knows it. Good heavens, he had a piano most of his life. He knows what performing is all about. I don't know if any woman could inspire him to quit drinking. I think his capacity to love a woman was seriously compromised with the failure of his first marriage. The savagery of his first wife matches the savagery of her counterpart in abusive husbands. He told me this was the reason he was an alcoholic the first night I talked to him in depth and the reason he could not love a woman. I found out he meant it, but he had gone on developing as a performer and it kept him alive. He took a piano into every marriage, a grand piano yet in the last one. My impression was that he could hardly tolerate her, esecially toward the end, so the piano had to be extra huge and expensive.
If you watch this series, you will notice that there is no real spark going from Doc, the actor, to the woman. It is all acting in his case, but he is pretty credible when he is playing a character with spark. I wonder if a lot of movie actors don't express the strongest love they are capable of in their parts. The Mexican in Blue has spark. Doc would never act that way with a woman. He would not spirit walk to her house, driven by passion.
He would instead just call her on the phone like the super salesman he was, until he got her to do what he wanted her to do. Pay some attention to him. He is selfish that way. But he can always be defeated by a man with spark.
Since spark is so rare at our age, he continues to get lots of attention. Aggression will get you everywhere.
Now I will go down to his apartment this morning and have coffee and a bowl of cereal. And we will talk about all the events of passing interest. Oddly, I believe that if I went out of Doc's life he would find another woman quite easily with his many gifts. She would not get spark, but she would be entertained and healed. He is not Doc for nothing.
Taking a chance on spark is always more risky, fraught with with peril since engaging the whole being in an act of love is the most difficult relationship possible, especially at our age. But I will always gamble on love since life without love is ultimately too boring for me.
I have had a good time with Doc in the interim acting. It has been difficult trying to define just what our relationship is, and why it should not threaten any man with spark. My spirit has always walked to the man with spark.
This play is all about the necessity of being a spirit walker if you are to keep love alive. Which is nothing more essentially than the act of thinking about someone you love. Thinking about someone is the world's most powerful connection. People lose love in their lives just by never thinking about that person, even if he is right there!
Doc was not capable of thinking about a woman. I noticed that right away. I am sure that is how his last three marriages ended. He just was not going to take a chance on love ever again. Which is why I think his alcoholism has become so intractable. He drinks to kill the spark, relentlessly, for years He does not even seem human at this point.
Another man might drink more recklessly than Doc, but he is still healthier if he sobers up. His spark might be damaged, but it will soon recover with determination to survive. I will still be able to reach him with the mere act of spirit walking, whereas I have not been able to reach Doc at all. I noticed that right away, and started to veer away from him. But he is a heck of a lot of fun. Entertaining. All the qualities of a good friend. That is all he has ever tried to be and a star. He likes the playwright in me, the performer. But if I left him, the wrench would not be life threatening, because he is acting with his head not his heart. That poor heart of his. It must barely be pumping, keeping him alive. My passions are far more vigorous than his. They could never find a home with him. So I was gone.


Paula said...

Gerry I'm sure you would desire to have a real love in your life but at least you have entertainment with Doc. He does seem to be good and generous to you. A heartfelt entry.

sober white women said...

I don't think anything will help doc give up the drinking. However I do think that you are right about thinking about someone. The sad thing is I can think about Ruaty and then I start to miss him and he is only at work! I guess that is what love is about.

Connie said...

I think 9now mind you what I think isn't worth a hill of beans-but) I truly think you both care more about each other than either of you wants to admit..there I said it and typed it and can't take it there.....


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