Saturday, June 27, 2009

What a day this has been!

I started my day down to Doc's as I do every morning, having coffee, a bowl of cereal, reading the morning paper, and talking about the days events. I wanted to go to the Farmer's Market, and Doc volunteered to go with me at 8 am when it opens so he could spend the last of his 30 dollar produce coupons. He got in line with a water melon, but I didn't see what I wanted, so I went to him standing in a long line and said I wasn't going to buy anything (end of the month economy) so he promptly announced loudly that his watermelon looked like 'a piece of shit' and he didn't want it. This is the reason I don't go anywhere with Doc anymore, loud negative remarks like this in a crowd that would otherwise be enjoying their farmer market experience.
But there is no use arguing with Doc when he gets affected by alcohol so early, so I announced that I needed to write a letter to the paper and went home. I spent a good part of the morning writing a letter to the paper which I put in my g4life blog. I then decided I wanted to make a video on it, possibly, too. I went down to Doc's to film but ran into so much flak from him that after several tries gave that up as a bad job. So I left and went outside where I ran into Jack, the guy who went into an alcoholic meltdown a while back. I told him again I thought he was five days from death and he told me that his fever went so high from the septic poisoning he got from infected scratches and cuts during his binge, they were thinking of some drastic therapy before it finally started going down. He spent 11 days in the hospital and even then I wondered if he could hold on to sobriety when he came out, but the miracle is that he did.
Then Doc strolled out and sat down. By this time it is pretty late in the afternoon and I know Doc is so inebriated he is not going to make much sense, and as far as I am concerned nothing he said really got us anywhere. But Jack was polite to him and listened to him some and then left. Before Doc came I thought we were having a very intense conversation which I have often had over the years with Jack, which is why it upset me to so much when he lost control. I told him I wondered what on earth I would do if he died. Because in his sobriety he was like a beacon of hope to me.
Doc blamed his drinking on me in some garbeldy gook, and he just called me up and asked me if he hadn't presented himself pretty well to Jack. I told him I would not discuss it until in the morning, (when hopefully he will be more sober). He was not aware, seemingly that to me and probably to Jack he was not making a whole lot of sense.
He tends to get very nasty when interacting with real people. He is down to me and his TV set and he is not doing too well with me, either. His hedonistic philosophy is very wearying. "Gather ye roses while ye may" Drink and drink and drink some more.
In the morning Doc still has his lucid moments, and when he is lucid he is still a brilliant man which is what drew me to him. But we will slowly come to the parting of the ways if he does not change his drinking ways.
I have faced the fact that at 78 and as disabled as I am I am no longer healthy enough to have a physical relationship. I have desires, but not the strength, and I fear getting overly excited and indulging, because I know it could kill me.
In my last worst bout of chronic fatigue when I felt close to dying, after 3 months I tried to masturbate, and I felt like I almost died. Believe me, I did not try that again for about a year. Just that alone felt like it risked my life. I was surprised to find out that even that form of sex was so strenous, so hard on a person suffering from what I was suffering from. Chronic fatigue, or what I have had is so mysterious it is not often diagnosed especially by medicaid and welfare doctors. You do not have the luxury of being diagnosed with this conditon when you are poor. A specialist in chronic fatigue was not available to me, so I handled all the frightening symptoms myself without much help from doctors when I overworked and caused a relapse.
I came back upstairs and responded to one comment on my new entry in G4Life and then I started to write this entry.


Paula said...

Your header is so pretty and the picture of Doc is even a good one. Too bad he can't be more company to you all time and not just early in the morning over coffee.

Connie said...

It's so sad when someone as intelligent as Doc lets booze do his thinking and talking....such a shame ..he is very likable and he could be such great company for you

Ann said...

Your header is different with Doc within. It's great although you may have to have a parting of the ways as he indulges more and more. He reminds me of Vic gradually going downhill. I still hope for good times. I liked the howling video.

Pamela said...

Sorry you can't enjoy him all day and do some fun things with him.

Rhapsody B. said...

Blessings, hope you have a great week.

Life is filled with many pleasures as long as you are breathing you can enjoy whatever is available.

I hope doc gets an handle of the alcohol, that can be quite a beast to tame.

take care and stay blessed.


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