Wednesday, April 15, 2009

When husbands are gay, wives hardly notice (Blue reading Scene 4b)

In this video Luis talks about his wife regarding his male lover as their best friend. The kids love him, too, because that is how he has been introduced to them and best friend is the role he plays in their life. This scenario probably plays out in a lot of households where one or both parents are gay. And wives, especially, are desperate to keep the breadwinner father of their children around, no matter what he might do.
There is also the possibility as with my father, that along with a gay gene, he also had a strong paternal side that made him want children. I think there are many gays like him, too. So they will do whatever is necessary to acquire them.
I am quite fascinated with the book, "Straight Acting" pictured above, whose gay author, Angelo Pezzote, claims that most gay men are in the process of 'coming out' their whole lives. (This book is available in our public library) Gay men may be out among their friends but not at work, or their parents may still think they are straight, an so on, and when Pezzote describes all the hazards of coming out in our society, it is no wonder that it is so difficult to do.
Having had a gay dad, I have been studying and thinking about the problems of gay parents since I was five years old. My dad was in deep denial to everyone I suppose but the 'friends' he interacted with sexually. He probably thought that was risky enough. I have come to think he was predominately gay, which means if there is a gay gene he may have been born with one. My second husband, however, was raped by a man when he was seven, which seemed to affect him to the point of pursuing gay relationships, but I thought he did this partly to take revenge. As he got older, I thought that he began to pursue younger guys as a kind of father figure who would betray them the same way his 'friendly' neighbor did, as children often do who have been victimized by pedofiles.
Some of these themes about gays acting straight figure in a lot of my novels and plays. This play "Blue" is no exception. Blue is the all seeing savior figure who takes in everything and is able to handle all the complexities with a healing approach. So for Colfrey he is the only kind of a savior she can lean on during her dying process, since she has a conflict with organized religion.
In this book "Straight Acting" a couple of times parents are mentioned who tell their sons hiding their gay orientation that they would rather have a dead son than a gay son. You can't get much more explicit than that which is probably the reason there is such a high incidence of gay suicides. And our sexual orientation may be genetic! What a world we live in when the complexities of our genetic makeup may invite death if we should happen to possess the genuine thing, a gay gene. We sure have not advanced far if that is the case.
But there is no getting around the fact that this subject matter is tough to talk about, tough for people to take in if they don't think they have it in their families. They just might have prejudice so thick in their families, nobody will risk coming out as gay.

I feel I am doing the world a favor to post scenes about the thoughts bisexuals I have known have expressed, exposing the way they have to live, and the burdens of secrets and lies many will carry to their graves. Are there any heavier burdens than the secrets and lies society requires in the event of gay orientation? I don't think so.


Anonymous said...

Well, Ger, that title certainly drew me in. Several men who'd told me(thankfully no one I was interested in romantically) they were bisexual, all of whom eventually married women, later told me they were gay. I know a young woman married to a gay man and I was quite surprised when other gays I know said I should "out" him to her. That isn't my place, and my feeling is that many women know on some level, and quick- I doubt she needs(or wants) me to tell her. ~Mary

Gerry said...

I agree with you Mary. It is the same thing as telling a wife or a husband the other is having an affair with anybody! Murder could result and besides as you say, on some level whatever is going on might be suspected but for many reasons cannot be addressed in the marriage at that time.

Missie said...

I really don't believe that married women don't realize their husbands are gay. I think they have a notion, but try to ignore it.

How could you not notice? It just doesn't seem possible.

Hope you have a good rest of your week.

Gerry said...

Missie, I have known some wives that I really do not think realized their husbands might be gay, because some men become such skilled liars it wass hard for them not to be fooled. It was hard to tell what my mother picked up, but she would have kept her mouth shut about it I think because my father acted like he would kill over this, over being accused.

Yasmin said...

Hiya Gerry it's been a while since I commented on your journal and hope life finds you well.

I have come across gay men and women who marry because they want children, however I do feel that most women would have an inkling it all depends on whether they want to confront the situation or not, it's quite a dliemma.

Take care



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