Thursday, April 30, 2009

On owning people

I am thinking this morning that owning people is a bad habit humans can hardly resist trying to do. I do not know what happened to the man trying to kill himself but I just ran into the alcoholic he was drinking with on the elevator and he had since fallen and broken his arm looked like, mashed his nose and teeth and had a black eye, hazards of the preoccupation of drinking. But the other man came through the wall last night which assured me he was still alive. I introduced the idea to this man of traveling to see me, invisibly, so we would not be subjected to the abuse I encountered with the last man in here I publically connected to. Other women felt they owned him and I was barraged throughout the relationship with threatening phone calls, evil looks, etc. Even after he died, a rather scary man paid me a visit saying he had come to collect my prisoner to take him back to his rightful owner in California, his ex wife. I had never seen a woman more determined not to give up ownership of a man. It was literally almost to the point of if I can't have you, nobody else will, when he up and died, no doubt helped along by her change of heart over the divorce and his ownership.
So the next time I ran into an attractive man I really liked I was a lot more wary. I thought up the idea of just meeting in thought rather than in the actual flesh. Since he was psychic, he liked the idea of traveling out of his body it seemed, but I never discussed it with him again, for fear that he might mention this to someone else and thus alert the media. I just simply noted whether he still seemed to be thinking of me from time to time.
In the interests of Doc I did tell him that I had this psychic relationship which would undoubtedly continue if he was impaired by his alcoholism to the point he could not think about any woman, or do anything with her should he like her. There was no question of a physical relationship. This was fine with Doc. He was prepared to pay the price of his alcoholism. I made as good of use of him as I could with his wide interests in the arts, film, acting, comedy, etc. He was still able to do most of those things better than many sober men which gave him the illusion that alchol was being kind to him.
But he has gradually become possessive and likes to give the impression of owning me whether he actually does or not. If I fight this he gets angry, so the alcoholic takes his toll. I can only fight so much then I have to stop and rest.
In the meantime a pleasant relationship with the other man was suddenly lost by his deciding to drink again. I did not see that this was going to help anything, but he was only human I suppose and thought to return to his former ways of indulging himself. Wherever he is right now, I am sure he is in bad shape, but he still comes through the wall occasionally. I asked him if he was all right last night and he said yes, as well as he could be. He is not sure if he can survive this fall fron grace but he is apparently still on the earth and trying.
I haven't seen him around here for a few days, so it is possible someone was able to persuade him to stay in treatment longer, so he had a chance of sobering up here. If he is still here, he will turn up in worse shape outside on his his beer runs to Circle K. Alcohol eventually runs out.
In the interest of helping him I have now revealed our psychic connection. So he will know that I have fought over the right to be free from ownership, especially by an alcoholic, up to this present date. I thought he was agreeable to the plan because he did not like to be owned either and was very wary of a public commitment. He did indeed finally connect to a woman in here who I thought suited him quite well, and I figured that our psychic connection would grow thinner and thinner until it perhaps disappeared, which I thought it was doing for a while. Then suddenly he did the worst possible thing to this relationship he could have done, he began to drink in a most disgraceful fashion as though he intended to drive every woman away for a thousand miles around.
Since I had never tried to own him in the least possible way this did not affect me too much as far as public humiliation went. However, since he was my only connection to a sober man, I started to suffer quite badly when the binge went on and on and it began to look as though he might die.
I asked him in a psychic conversation if he was angry at me for all the stuff I was doing with Doc. He responded that he knew drunks and Doc trying to act like he owned me did not impress him much. I told him outside one day last week if he knew that I had been in love with him for 5 years. He said of course I did. So I carried on this conversation telepathically.
I said I told him this in the interest of trying to help him, this time, no matter what anybody said. Or to help him on his way if he were to die. I wanted to tell him how much his sobriety had meant to me. It cheered me up every morning when I woke up. I was pretty sure I would encounter him bright eyed and sober that day so I was happy.
I said I was afraid that you lost faith in the power of your sobriety. But I thought I was doing what you wanted by not trying to own you. Had you wanted more of a connection to me I thought you would have made that known.
He said that he remained wary of any connection to a woman because of this ownership thing. He feared what freedom he had would be taken away without enough joy to take its place. And this fear became self fulfilling and was the trigger to ending 5 years of sobriety.
He said if he was to recover he would have to go back to having less and expecting less, as he knew he had ruined trust. He doubted if the other woman could still love him through all this. He said either way he intended to set her free. She would surely be free if he died and she would want to be free if he lived. He thought it could all be worked out amicably either way.
He said that his relationship to me was much less binding, ending each time he thought about me or I thought about him without knowing whether it would resume again. I said that was fine.
He said he had a tough time accepting Doc in my life but realized he had expected me to accept his relationships. I did accept them, including the last one.
Doc cannot claim me without sobriety to start with. He is scornful of that. So he has to try to act the part. Real life is not acting. It does not work. It only works in plays, but drinking men don't think that well.
I hope the other man is sobering up before death really does pay a call.

2 comments:

sober white women said...

My view on owning people may be a little different or maybe not. My mom is a very controlling person and the one person she had the best luck controlling was my sister. Even after my sisters death my mom had to "own" her. She actually took my sisters ashes from my brother in law.
I guess my mothers control over my sister did not stop when my sister died.
Kelli

Connies Photos said...

My philosophy has always been (even as a child) no body tells me what to do-therefore-don't even think you own me-I can't be controlled is such ways.
Yep-I am stubborn -opinionated,hardly ever say I'm sorry-or wrong- even when I am sorry or wrong..


Herrad

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